Seven steps to being a parent without losing your identity — or your mind

One summer night in 2012, I was at a friend’s birthday party when I noticed a red baby carrier in the corner of the living room. It was after 10 p.m., and I was thinking about cracking another beer. But the presence of the sleeping infant gave me pause. That kid’s parents should probably take her home soon, I thought. Then I realized: That’s our kid — we are the parents. Fortunately, my wife had limited herself to LaCroix and was able to steer the stroller home safely while I walked a step behind in a half-drunken, new-dad daze.

I did not settle overnight into my identity as a parent.

Five years and another kid later, though, I’m starting to get the hang of things. In fact, I’ve learned a few things along the way — the kind of things that don’t necessarily make you an expert but do qualify you to impart a survival tip or two. Parenting is not the usual subject matter for this publication — but it wasn’t my usual subject, either. So if you have kids, know someone who does, or are thinking about starting a family, maybe you’ll find some value in this, my perspective on how to be a parent in a way that doesn’t deprive you of your identity (at least not completely). 

1. Consider the tardigrade.

Tardigrades (also known as water bears) are amazingly resilient microscopic animals that can survive temperature extremes, intense radiation levels and even the vacuum of outer space. They do so by retreating into a dormant state, shutting down for years or even decades. While raising a child doesn’t shut down your life completely, you will find that it feels like it at first.

You will learn to function without sleep, existing on an upside-down schedule that may bear no relation to your previous life and/or the outside world. Eventually, you’ll resume normal activities, but starting out, it’s easiest to accept defeat in advance. You simply won’t be able to do all the things you want to do in the way you’re used to doing them.

Instead, focus on scheduling a weekly event or activity — a yoga class, a book club, a jam session — that will provide a semblance of normality and help pull your identity out of its dormant state. This likely will require some help from your partner, for whom you can return the favor. Supporting each other as individuals, as well as parents, goes a long way toward improving your quality of life as a family. 

2. Be yourself.

Everyone has different ideas about the right way to raise a child, and it’s easy to compare your approach to what other parents do: Who has the most natural birth plan? What did your own parents do better? What amount of processed food isn’t just unhealthy but unconscionable? From all of this, you have to find your own idea of what’s right. Which means you must communicate frequently and honestly with your partner, and find family members and friends you can trust. Do that, and you’ll build confidence in yourselves, which in turn will give your children confidence in you. 

I remember when my friend Miles Bonny — the KC rapper and musician who has since moved to New Mexico — first introduced me to his playful, dynamic baby daughter. “It’s like they arrive with their personalities already formed,” he said. “You just have to nurture and encourage it.” Or, as another friend of mine phrased it, “put them on your shoulders.” 

3. Accept that your friendships will change.

Having a child affects your friendships. You might not be as available or as energetic as you once were, and your interests might begin to diverge from your friends’. But that doesn’t mean the fundamentals of your relationships have to change. When it comes to conversation, the new parent will probably welcome — and might even crave — talking about subjects other than kids. Try to find venues that can accommodate everyone, such as a park, a kid-friendly coffee shop or pizza place, or one of your homes. Meanwhile, if you’re the friend of a new parent, don’t feel pressure to fawn over the baby or hold the baby if you don’t want to. Just smile at the kid, acknowledge him or her by name and have an honest compliment at the ready. 

4. Explore Kansas City.

Not to cheerlead, but Kansas City is a great place to raise a kid. Among numerous popular but not overly crowded destinations, standouts include Science City (where a new outdoor exhibition space is opening this month), the Kansas City Zoo, and the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art (which hosts a variety of kid-friendly cultural events throughout the year). The Museum at Prairiefire is a fine educational trip, and the Coterie Theater at Crown Center makes an entertaining introduction to the stage. Farmers markets offer an edifying alternative to grocery stores and a more personable means of consumption. Some of the best overall resources for families are public libraries, which typically host storytimes and craft activities. Nature centers such as Lakeside (in Swope Park) and Anita B. Gorman (east of the Plaza) are open in all seasons, and we’ve picnicked in every park and green space we can find. And, yes, there’s always the streetcar. Kids love the streetcar. 

5. Choose a social-media strategy.

From the moment our children are born, we essentially become their brand managers. And the chief tool of this new job is social media. There’s no easier way to announce a pregnancy or a birth or to share early milestones. But remember that parenthood can pretty quickly consume your feed — and dominate the feeds of your family and friends. 

From saturation to suspiciously quiet, everyone has a different approach to child-enhanced social media (see No. 2 on this list). Some folks never fail to share pics of junior’s mealtime, while others keep images of their offspring completely private. One approach that can work well is to set up a blog for pictures, video or other media and share the URL (and a password) exclusively with family members and close friends. That way you can post with abandon for your inner circle and, depending on what you and your partner decide, show highlights to a wider audience. 

6. Give a shit about the world.

I won’t lie: Sometimes, when I look around as I sit in traffic or read the news, I start to wonder whether the planet might be better off without us. But having kids has helped me to keep those nihilistic flashes in check and instead think about making a difference. My wife and I have tried to teach our kids respect for others as well as the planet, while also noting how we want and need to improve ourselves. In addition to reading lots of books, we’ve attended protests with our kids, and traveled together as a family as much as we can. Visiting different places teaches kids that not everyone lives as we do, which will likely help them appreciate those differences later in life. 

7. Have fun.

Being a parent is a serious job, but people have been doing it since the dawn of history. We’re not unique, then — and we’re not so challenged that we can’t stop to enjoy the experience. In fact, it’s much better if we do. Some of my favorite activities with the kids have also been the simplest: an observational walk through the neighborhood, an afternoon at home drawing pictures, a raucous piggyback parade through the aisles of SuperTarget while singing spontaneous nonsense verse.

To tell you to cherish every moment would be ridiculous — you do not have to weep with happiness at dirty diapers, unexpected wake-up calls or vivid streaks of marker on the new Ikea table. You will struggle with patience sometimes. But as any tardigrade can attest, the bad moments pass. And all of the moments pass quickly — a cliché that turns out to be true. I suspect the best thing to do is to make the most of them. So by all means, go to that birthday barbecue that might go late — just be sure to appoint a designated stroller.