Scratch Your Poison

Missouri Lottery officials announced recently a new way to get those who can’t afford to gamble even more involved in games of chance. Thanks to the Design-A-Ticket contest, you can create the game card that will make you broke.

The top five finalists will get $500 in scratch-off tickets, and the top 20 finalists will score $200 worth of those paycheck-eating games. If you’re too busy getting cash advances in order to buy lottery tickets, feel free to submit our ideas.

· Give Little Johnny a Desk: Don’t you know the lottery goes toward education? You want the next generation to be smart, right? One winner will receive free GED classes.

· Doublewide Doubledown: Select winners will score a fully outfitted doublewide on a rental lot near the Arkansas border. Alternate name: Tornado Alley Tin House.

· Get Rich Quick: Prizes include free lunches and large-scale payouts — without doing a thing. If your scratch-off ticket shows a mansion or a large bundle of cash, simply go home and await instructions. Do not call the Missouri Lottery; such calls will void winnings.

· The Crossword: Tell your old lady you’re “doing a crossword” when you’re actually rubbing your last dime across this game. The grand-prize winner is flown to the crossword tournament in Stamford, Connecticut!

· The Deadbeat Deal: Random winners will have their back child support payments paid off. Enter to win the grand prize of lifetime child support and alimony payments. (Wives related by blood are excluded.)

· Casino Life: Live like a high roller with this scratch-off. For every 10 cards purchased, participating stores will comp you a large slushee.

· Scratchless Scratch-Off: Too impatient to wait for that silver crap to rub off your game card? Too tired for all that rubbing? This card comes pre-printed with the phrase “Sorry, you didn’t win.”