‘My boyfriend of three years has not left his wife for me, even though he says he will someday.’
Dear Dan: I’m a kinky single woman who keeps attracting the wrong men for me — specifically, submissive guys into face-sitting. I’m submissive myself, and face-sitting is not a turn-on for me. But the vast majority of men who hit on me have this fetish. I think it’s a size-related issue — a my-size-related issue. I’m a full-figured/curvy woman with a big butt. Granted, it’s a fabulous butt, but my butt sends the wrong signals, apparently. I’ve tried several times to word my FetLife and other dating profiles so that I’ll attract dominant men, but the messages from submissive wannabe face-sittees pour in. Dating when you’re not thin is hard enough. Help, please.
Baby Got Back
Dear BGB: You’ve worded your dating profiles to attract Doms, BGB, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve worded your profiles to repel — and crush the hopes of — submissive wannabe face-sittees. Let’s fix that: “I get a lot of messages from submissive guys into face-sitting. I’ve got a great butt, I realize, but I’m a sub, I’m not into face-sitting, and I only want to hear from Dom guys.” Some submissive guys will message you anyway — guys who will be letting you know they have a hard time taking no for an answer, BGB, so not guys you’d ever want to meet up with IRL. Delete their messages and block their profiles.
Dear Dan: While having sex one night with my girlfriend, I pulled out a vibrator for the first time. She asked whether I (a guy) had used it with a previous partner (another woman). I conceded that I had. She refused to let me use it on her on the grounds that it had already been inside someone else. I pointed out that since I am not a virgin, her objection did not seem principled: My penis has been in someone else and she lets me put that in her. Nevertheless, she remained adamant. Do you think she was being reasonable?
Very Interested Boyfriend Enquires
Dear VIBE: I do not, VIBE, but since you don’t want to stick your old vibrator in me — presumably — what I think is irrelevant. When it comes to who gets to stick what in our bodies, we’re allowed to be arbitrary, inconsistent, capricious, and even illogical. That’s why “But my dick has been in other women and you let me stick that in you!” isn’t quite the slam-dunk argument you think it is. So toss that old vibrator and get yourself a new one — but save the packaging so you can pass it off as new with your next girlfriend.
Dear Dan: My cousin was a victim of revenge porn. A bitter ex-boyfriend of his sent several videos they’d made to everyone on my cousin’s contact list, including me. I’m a straight woman who prefers gay male porn, and my cousin and his ex are beautiful men — they’re both dancers — and I couldn’t help myself: I watched the videos, more than once, before deleting them. So how bad a person am I?
Sick And Wrong
Dear SAW: You’re a better person than the asshole ex who sent those videos to everyone your poor cousin knows, SAW, but a worse person than those who deleted the videos without wanking over them first.
Dear Dan: Your life is a monstrous affront to God, and your life’s work, your ridiculous “advice” column, encourages people to act on their worst impulses. Advice column? Take the “D” away! You write A VICE column! I was involved in the gay life once, Mr. Savage, but the love of Jesus delivered me from homosexual sin. Embrace Christ, and you too can be delivered. I pray for you every day. Someone has to.
Christ Even Saves Savages
P.S. I have read what you’ve written about your mother, who you claim to have loved. Your mother died relatively young. I’m not suggesting God punished you by cutting your mother’s life short. No, your mother died of shame.
Dear CESS: You pray for me, CESS, and I’ll gay for you — because all the delicious dick you left behind when Jesus raptured you out of homosexual sin aren’t gonna suck themselves, are they?
P.S. “Jesus is love,” my Catholic mother liked to say. If she was right, CESS, he surely finds the things going into my mouth less offensive than the shit coming out of yours.
Dear Dan: I’ve been toying with the idea of having a sub provide domestic services, but all the potential subs I’ve met with haven’t seemed like a good fit for various reasons. Last night, I had a first meeting with a man who is a good fit on paper but who turned out to be an obnoxious asshole in person — a misogynistic, mansplaining, frat-boy type. Can someone be too much of a dick for you to let them do your laundry?
Sub Is Subhuman
Dear SIS: If you wouldn’t be in a vanilla relationship with someone, SIS, why would you want to be in a D/s relationship with them?
Dear Dan: I’ve been in a lesbian relationship for about two years. Recently, I was listening to your podcast, and you were talking about the Big/little kink. I remember thinking my girlfriend could be into that. Today, my girlfriend texted this to me: “I want you to hold me like a child, rock me to sleep, and tuck me in and kiss my forehead.” I almost asked her right then if she was into Big/little play, but then I realized that I’m not sure what I would do if she said yes. If she came to me and said, “Hey, I’m into this stuff!” I would consider it. But I am not into this stuff — not independently — or at least I don’t think so. My question is this: If you suspect your partner is into something that you’re not into, should you leave it alone? I feel like maybe the GGG thing to do is to ask her and offer to explore it if she says yes.
Wanna Be GGG
Dear WBGGG: Are you sure you’re not curious about Big/little play, aka age play? Because it sounds like you might be. If you are, don’t project your interests/kinks onto your girlfriend. Just ask her if she might be interested. If you aren’t into Big/little play but think she might be, the same advice applies: Just ask her.
Dear Dan: My boyfriend of three years has not left his wife for me, even though he says he will someday. He doesn’t want to hurt her. He feels a duty to her. But he loves me more and swears he will leave her someday. In the meantime, we carve out half an hour a week for sex and it’s super hot. Two questions (and please answer honestly): He’s not going to leave her, is he? And I’m a cliché, aren’t I?
Don’t Understand Men
Dear DUM: No, he isn’t. And yes, you are. DTMFA.
On the Lovecast, sex-toy expert Erika Moen discusses strap-ons for men: savagelovecast.com.
@fakedansavage on Twitter