Savage Love: Nowhere to hide from your own kinks — thank goodness
Dear Dan: I’m a gay medical student with a medical fetish, and I can’t even open up to my therapist about this. I think the fetish started when I was young; I was once in the hospital and given a suppository for a fever. Then one time I was given a Fleet enema. I don’t think the “butt stuff” turned me gay, but my fetish may stem from the aspect of being controlled. I grew up in a very conservative religious household. I’ve never been in a relationship, and I don’t know that I could have one while hiding what turns me on. In my profession, we have to be confident and even sort of “dominant” in our roles as providers, but underneath I’m incredibly submissive. I didn’t go into medicine for this reason. We have very strict professional boundaries and ethical expectations, and I have no problem with that. I expect my job to be very clinical and boring. But outside of work, I feel like my sexual desires need some kind of outlet.
Dilemma of Conscience
Dear DOC: “Someone can have one persona at work and another at home,” says Eric the Red, a Florida nurse and a fellow medical fetishist. “DOC can be confident and dominant at work — his patients need someone confident and dominant to get them through their medical issues — and then find someone to spend his life with who brings out his submissive side and gives him the balance to make him feel like a whole person.”
In other words, DOC, when you do start dating and having relationships, you’re going to want to be open about your kinks. They’re nothing to be ashamed of, and there’s no point in hiding your sexual interests from your future partner(s). You want a sex partner who meets your needs, not one you have to hide your needs from. So long as you keep things professional at work — which shouldn’t be hard, since it’s being the patient and not the doctor that turns you on — you have nothing to feel conflicted about.
“The one practical problem he will encounter is that since he actually knows how to give a physical, he may have less patience with fetishists who are not medical professionals in real life and don’t really know what they are doing,” Eric says. “Over the years, I have trained nonprofessionals who want to play doctor to give semi-realistic physicals, insert and irrigate catheters, use sounds, and otherwise have enough technical expertise to do a medical scene that’s realistic enough that I can enjoy being their patient without screaming, ‘No, that’s not how it’s done!’ He may find himself doing the same.”
The good news?
“DOC won’t have any trouble finding like-minded people,” Eric points out. “Medical fetishists are well organized online; just spend a few minutes on Google and he’ll find them.”
Dear Dan: As a 56-year-old, 95-percent-straight woman, I’d like to think all y’all gay men can enjoy blowjobs without that dip in the degradation pool straight men always take. Maybe you could gay-sex-talk some sense into stupid straight men. On PornHub recently, I watched a fearless young woman use a dildo five ways and come at least 10 full symphony times. This new generation of women! Impressive! But then I watched an 18-year-old Russian woman with an equally beautiful black American man. She sucked away on his dick and swallowed 12 times in five minutes! I kept thinking: She’s gonna get a break now? Maybe a hug? A beer, a joint, a pay raise? Something?!? Nope. She even apologized for spilling some come at one point. Now I’m SAD. It’s the exact same shit I faced when I started in ’73. Gay-sex-talk some sense into stupid straight boys! Y’all gay men do blowjobs without degradation. Tell straight men how it’s done!
Really Angry Gal Is Needing Gays
Dear RAGING: There’s nothing inherently demeaning about giving someone a blowjob, and plenty of people — gay, straight, bi, pan, demi, sapio, etc. — give and receive blowjobs without splashing around in the degradation pool.
That said, RAGING, gay men are just as likely as straight men to “dip in the degradation pool” when they’re getting blowjobs — particularly when a blowjob is being filmed. No need to take my word for it: Head over to the gay aisle at PornHub. You’ll find lots of videos where the guys giving blowjobs are degraded — called names, roughly handled, made to apologize for come spillage — and you’ll be hard-pressed to find one in which the word “cocksucker” isn’t tossed around. But don’t feel bad for all those gay cocksuckers, RAGING: For many gay men, the taunts we feared most in high school become the dirty talk that gets us off in adulthood. As for the video you saw — a Russian interfering with an American erection — there must have been breaks that were edited out (no guy can come 12 times in five minutes), so hugs, beers and joints may have been made available when the cameras weren’t running.
Dear Dan: I have a phone-sex kink, and I got Tinder to explore that. I tell guys it won’t get physical and that I’m interested only in text play and photo swapping. I matched with a cute, kinky guy, and I have been playing with him mostly over text for about two years. The issue is that I found out recently that he’s engaged. I’m pretty conflicted about this. He says that sex with her is good but vanilla and that she’s unwilling to experiment. He also isn’t comfortable sharing his kinks with her. I understand that some people have a hard time reconciling the dirty shit they want to do in bed with the sweet girl they want to marry, but he seems unwilling to try. Do I cut him off? Is he just doing what he has to do to make an otherwise good relationship work? Is it OK of him if she never finds out and everyone is happy?
Playing Hurtful Over Text Only?
Dear PHOTO: The odds that your sext buddy’s wife will never find out are slim. Spouses snoop, computers and phones get left open, a dirty message or photo intended for one person (say, you) gets sent to the wrong person (say, her). If you’re not comfortable playing with someone who is deceiving his girlfriend and/or wife — if you don’t want the incriminating message his wife inevitably finds to be one intended for or from you — you should end this, PHOTO.
But it is possible to continue playing/texting/sexting with a semi-clear conscience: He may be doing what he needs to do to make this relationship work; He’s exploring his kinks without touching another woman; if this is cheating, it’s cheating lite. Whatever you ultimately decide to do, PHOTO, you should encourage this guy to open up to his fiancée about his fantasies and kinks. It’s exhausting to spend your life with someone you have to hide from — exhausting and rarely successful. If he doesn’t want the truth to end his marriage, he needs to tell her the truth now. Engagements are easily called off, marriages less so.
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On the Lovecast, trans activist Buck Angel.
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