Sam Brownback is the next Kansas governor … get your uterus ready for rent

Fulfilling everyone’s expectations, Republican Sam Brownback just destroyed Tom Holland at the polls last night, becoming the next governor of Kansas.

Of course, as a professional journalist and expert on policy, I prepared for this moment by analyzing Brownback’s statements. Unless I completely misunderstand both Brownback and, indeed, the human heart, I think we can conservatively predict every unoccupied uterus in Kansas will be forced to rent out space to fetuses in the paper’s classified section next to studio apartments and barely-used Bowflexes. Also, the eventual baby will be delivered by an illegal alien because he’s weirdly open to immigration reform.