Rear Beauty

Hip-hop MC Priceless Diamonds describes herself as a “boss bitch” who grew up boosting clothes and turning the occasional trick. She’s no angel, but she’s got advice. So listen up, y’all.

I heard Britney Spears lost all her baby weight already. WTF? She was a porker! What do you think she did?

I hear Britney is on the Coke-and-cigarettes diet. Her stomach is back flat already. She’s out there saying, “I look good, y’all was talking what?” Y’all said what?” She out there in a low-slung skirt, camisole, looking good, hair bleached blond. She had a C-section, but the scar’s down low, so you can’t even see it. That’s called a bikini cut. It’s right at the top of your pubic hair. I had one, for the second one. Women don’t know that a C-section is a hell of a surgery. They pull your guts out, set them to the side and pull your baby out and then stuff your guts back in and close you up. But you numb, you don’t feel nothing. Ain’t that crazy? Because when you do it natural, the pain has you cussin’ out everybody.

I’m trying to curb my appetite like Britney. I can usually eat a whole pizza. So I’m on this herbal-tea diet. You eat yogurt and fruit and drink tea all day, and at night you eat a sensible meal. I didn’t know I was big until I got back to New York and my friends were like, “You look good but you gained weight.” This herbal-tea diet is my family’s secret diet. The sugar in the tea is what stops you from getting hungry. And along with that, I’m taking those GNC diet pills, Hydroxycut. But you have to take a colon cleanser twice a week. You get all that waste out that’s been sitting for months. When you have a bowel movement every day, not all that stuff gets out. It just passes over. Colon cleanser’s full of fiber. It just moves it all out.

Got a question only Priceless can answer? E-mail her at

We were out for a nice Sunday drive, listening to the radio and crossing our fingers that KPRS 103.3 (Hot 103 Jamz) would play “Stay High,” the Three 6 Mafia song we love so much. Hell, we’ll even listen to the lame-ass Jamz version, “Stay Fly.” At a break, the station’s Sunday DJ, KaCi Mills, came on to inform us of some sad news. Eddie Guerrero, the 2004 World Wrestling Entertainment champ, had been found dead in his Minneapolis hotel room. The slam-dunkenest and, at one time, drunkenest, was no more.

“Police at the scene said there were no signs of foreplay,” Mills read on the air.

We waited for her to laugh.

She didn’t.

KaCi, did you mean no signs of foul play? Because that’s what the news reports we read later said. “No signs of foreplay” sounds pretty tragic, but it’s not, like, death.

Mills didn’t return calls. But fellow 103.3 DJ Julee Jonez, who’s appropriately z happy, says she heard her co-worker’s mess-up while cruising with her man. “My husband and I fell out,” she says.

That’s one thing we can say for the folks at 103.3 Jamz: They keep us on our toez.

Net Prophet
The formerly 488-pound Venkman (Jeff Hirst), co-host of the Big Dumb Fun Show webcast, recently opened up on a message board about his former life “as a fat-ass” before gastric bypass surgery. Here are excerpts:

As a fat-ass you have daily obstacles. I have to pay minimum $60 for a shirt, not even a fancy shirt, just a nice polo shirt that I could wear to work. Some jeans cost over $100 and because of the crotch-rot factor, pants don’t last long with fatties.

I guess it’s a big thing to admit that you’re a BIG failure and you need a risky surgery to put you back on track. It’s not something I WANTED to do.

The week before the big day in May, I trucked it over to Sedalia for a bunch of pre-op tests. Apparently I failed the first one. I was over the weight limit for the surgery. I was too fat for fat surgery. I had to drop 40 pounds, just to have surgery to help me lose weight.

Fast-forward to today. I’ve lost over 110 pounds, and I still feel great. For the first time in YEARS, I can shop for clothes at Wal-Mart, which might seem like a stupid thing, but trust me … it’s not.

Categories: News