R. Kelly

Legal woes notwithstanding, R. Kelly is all about the kids. Witness his groundbreaking hip-hopera Trapped in the Closet, which sneakily educates as it indisputably entertains, teaching key lessons to today’s youth: Don’t feel pressured to have sex. Get to know each other. Ask if this is really your wife’s best friend, cleverly disguised by a wig. Lessons like: Eat fruit. Bananas contain potassium to prevent your leg from cramping up while getting sexed freaky style. Lessons like: Know when to mind your own business, or you and a cop may suddenly find yourselves pointing guns at each other while the midget who cuckolded said cop is passed out on the kitchen table again. Important stuff to take to heart. It is hoped that Kelly will soon unveil Chapter 13 in this compulsively watchable saga, dropping further knowledge for impressionable teens. The importance of flossing. Not sitting too close to the television. And, of course, why videotaping yourself doing the “Bump ‘n’ Grind” with an alleged minor is rarely a good idea. Yeah, he’s all about the kids.