Prove to us that you’ve sexed Sen. Matt Bartle, and we’ll give you free concert tickets

Anyone who’s been as obsessed with sex for as long as Missouri state Sen. Matt Bartle must be into some freaky shit.

Earlier this month, the Missouri Legislature finally passed the Lee’s Summit Republican’s anti-strip-club bill. It was a last, desperate gasp of a man haunted by mammaries. As far back as 2005, Bartle was trying to regulate Missouri’s adult industry. You have to wonder what goes on in a man’s mind when he wants his name synonymous with ruining small businesses and interfering with individual freedoms. In his nightmares, is he watched by unblinking pink areola? Does he keep a ball-peen hammer in his car’s glovebox to punish unbidden lust? Or does Bartle have darker desires and the hope that he can divert suspicion from himself by becoming the face of the anti-nudity brigade?

Sadly, we can’t know a man’s inner thoughts. So we’re asking for your help. If you can prove to us that you’ve had a sexual encounter with Matt Bartle, we’ll give you four free tickets to the July 11 Sublime concert at the City Market.