Pitch Forks

THE
’98 CHIEFS WOULD HAVE DONE GREAT IN THIS LEAGUE …


The World Wrestling Federation announced it would form a
new “football with attitude” league in February 2001. The
upstart league, to be called the XFL, will feature teams
in eight U.S. cities. Chairman Vince McMahon says the league
will encourage the type of individual expression that the
NFL frowns upon, eliminate the enforcement of several penalties,
and, in an attempt to maximize ratings, the XFL will attempt
to move all assaults and weapons violations to the playing
field. —Andrew Miller


MACAULAY
CULKIN’S CAREER IS STILL AVAILABLE …


Elian Gonzalez’s Miami relatives have turned down an offer
for the 6-year-old Cuban boy to appear in a national advertisement
for Internet search site AltaVista. The decision was made
because Gonzalez has already agreed to appear in ads for
CheapMarketingPloys.com. —Robert Bishop


AS
LONG AS IT DOESN’T LEAD TO A BABY GENIUSES SEQUEL


A 4-year-old Dallas girl joined the high-IQ Mensa society
after her intelligence was measured at between 148 and 170,
placing her in the top 2 percent of the population. Priya
Purewal already reads at the level of most 10-year-olds.
Asked on a radio talk show what she wants to do when she
grows up, Purewal said she plans to concoct devastating
new biological weapons. “But she said it in this cute little
baby voice,” a Mensa member added. —Andrew Miller


SOME
MIGHT CALL IT TRUTH IN ADVERTISING …


In Canada, the Reform Party recently launched an opposition
coalition with some conservative politicians, dubbing the
group the Canadian Conservative Reform Alliance. An early
draft of the group’s constitution added the word “party”
to the end of its name, leaving the organization with the
unflattering acronym CCRAP. “I just didn’t see it coming,”
said a member of the group, who asked to be addressed by
his full title: Director Of Party Endeavors. —Andrew
Miller


MAYBE
HE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LOST WORLD


A Virginia high school student has been arrested on a felony
fraud charge for passing himself off as a relative of director
Steven Spielberg. After legally changing his name to Jonathan
Taylor Spielberg, the student handed out $10 bills to classmates,
parked his BMW — which has “SPLBERG” vanity plates — in
the principal’s spot, and constantly made remarks about
his “Uncle Steven” while purportedly filming a high-school
themed movie. School officials first became suspicious of
the impostor’s identity upon discovering his movie did not
have a tacked-on happy ending. —Jon Niccum

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