Pitch Forks
AT LEAST THEY GOT THE ZIP CODE RIGHT …
The Census Bureau sent out 120 million letters in an effort to inform every American residence that the questionnaire would follow, but it misaddressed the mail. The mistake tacked on an extra digit to the beginning of each street address, forcing states such as Kansas to hand-deliver the questionnaire. This has also compelled officials to rethink the initial Census returns they’ve received, which list the average American household income at $640,000, the average age at 645, and the average number of dependents at 63. — Jon Niccum
THE CLONES WILL SERVE THE TERM …
Japan is readying a new bill that will ban human cloning, even at a research level, and could punish offenders with fines and jail sentences of three to seven years. A spokesman for the Science and Technology Agency said that the question really was one of ethics, because the agency couldn’t justify creating humans that were smaller and cheaper than the original model. — Robert Bishop
AS IF KID ROCK HAD NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE …
Two Florida policemen hoping to win a New Year’s trip to Detroit in Kid Rock’s “most outrageous picture” contest were instead disciplined by their department for unbecoming conduct. The photos depicted the officers being lassoed by a woman in a revealing Wonder Woman costume and frisked by another woman clad only in a police hat, bra, and miniskirt. The photo shoot might have gone undiscovered, claimed one of the officers, but his lasso-bound companion was strangely compelled to tell the truth to their superiors. — Andrew Miller
IT’S EASIER TO REMOVE BATTERIES FROM THE REAL ONES …
After having a group of sixth- and eighth-grade girls take care of a computerized doll for three days, researcher Judith Kralewski and Dr. Catherine Stevens-Simon of the University of Colorado in Denver discovered that most of the girls thought their own babies would be easier to care for than the doll. The researchers have stated that this will be the last time they use Chucky in a study. — Robert Bishop
JIMMY CARTER’S STRATEGY IS FINALLY WORKING …
The United States is considering removing trade sanctions on Iranian caviar, carpets, and pistachio nuts in a bid to improve relations with Tehran. According to the Clinton administration, the potential move is one of several gestures of goodwill in light of progress toward economic and political reform. The administration also mentioned that removing the sanctions was a way of smoothing relationships here at home with idle rich white people. — Jon Niccum
