PETA Safari
Welcome to another edition of Burnt Ends Wild Kingdom.
Today we explore the stunning migration of a rare species known as the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. For years, this tofu-chomping breed was spotted only on New York City streets, often hurling fake blood on fur-wearing models. But recently, the species known as PETA has expanded into territory previously dominated by barbecue-craving carnivores.
Witness this scene from September 5 at the Sprint Center. A PETA female was clad only in bikini bottoms, and heart-shaped pasties covered her mammary glands. Her skin was painted tiger-style with neon-orange and black-striped markings, perhaps to attract a mate. Nearby watched a small band of natives, bellies full from a noontime meal in a habitat known as the Power & Light District. They discovered that the intent of this nearly nude behavior was to call attention to the alleged animal abuses of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus.
Kansas City motorists were startled on August 9 to find a pair of PETA females roaming the tarmac of a local gasoline filling station. They wore clothing they had harvested from an area salad bar. They dispensed two free gallons of petrol to motorists who agreed to consume a sandwich of fake meat. The display was intended to raise awareness of a phenomenon called global warming, which is caused, the PETA lettuce women explained, as much by a plate of burnt ends as by gasoline.
A monkey-human hybrid sighting on February 27 at the Kansas City International Airport was also linked to the PETA tribe. This PETA individual, disguised in a chimpanzee costume, crouched in a cage at the entrance of the travel hub. The PETA individual wore a prison jumpsuit over the chimp costume, appealing to the natives’ love of all entertainment featuring dressed-up monkeys. The shivering monkey engaged in an expression of solidarity — previously unseen in the wild — for a fellow primate that may have been abused in the making of a television commercial for the airport.
Curiously, this breed does not always manifest as creatures of the natural world. A convention of cattlemen at Crown Center in February got a rare glimpse of a PETA female posing as Satan, with devil’s horns and a sign that read “Factory Farms Are Hell.” Researchers are investigating whether this breed of activist has an increased tolerance for freezing temperatures, having captured images of this individual wearing only small strips of fabric while there was still snow on the ground.
