One Big Benchwarmer

Kansas native Paul Shirley isn’t just a former towel-waving, ass-slapping NBA scrub. Shirley just may be basketball’s best-known benchwarmer.

Shirley earned this honor thanks in part to his blog, which he began writing when he was the 11th man for the Phoenix Suns. His blog is now carried at now carried at ESPN.com, and he’s covering the NBA playoffs for Slate.com. His debut book — Can I Keep My Jersey? — was released last week.

Shirley, who spent last season playing for the team ViveMenorca
in Spain, will sign copies of his book at 6 p.m. Thursday, May 24, at the Plaza Barnes & Noble. The Department of Burnt Ends caught up with him last week.

DBE: You’ve played in Yakima, Washington, and Kazan, Russia. Which city has better groupies?

Kazan by far. I wouldn’t qualify them as groupies because I don’t know that they had enough money to go to the games. But they seemed appreciative of tall Americans. I will tell you that the best thing about Russian women is that they’re slightly malnourished. If you took the entire population of the U.S. and you gave them a little less food, you’d have more slender women, and that in turn would make a lot more of them attractive.

Shirley: So the fact that they’re starving is a positive?

Right.

How do you rate Kansas City groupies?

Fairly low on the totem pole. Again, I don’t think you can qualify them as groupies, since no one knows who I am in Kansas City.

You think that might change with the book?

Potentially. I’ve actually gotten recognized a lot more now that I started writing than I ever did playing basketball. But mostly from the 20-35 dude age range, which is not all that helpful, I suppose.

Not helping you to meet girls?

Right.

How does it feel having Kobe Bryant calling you a bitch?

I guess it’s better than some dude at the playground call me one. It’s a good position to be in when you’ve been on the same court as him, right?

Your book makes it sound like you hate your teammates. What gives?

When I was a kid and I would read Mickey Mantle biographies, I assumed that life in the NBA would be like life with the 1942 Yankees and that we would all go out afterward and have rollicking good times chasing women and all of that. But the personalities are so different. Everyone knows how high the stakes are, that his image means so much to his possible fortune. It’s such a business.

The Sprint Center needs a tenant. Think ViveMenorca would relocate?

That would make for some hellish commutes to games back in Spain.

But we’re desperate.

I think you might be right. We could just get the entire Spanish league over here and have sort of a round-robin-style, yearlong tournament.