On the Defense

At the Plate With the Royals is the layperson’s opportunity to ask team members nagging questions such as, “Why do you guys suck?” and “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” or “You actually get paid to blow toes this bad?”

Hosted by Royals announcer Chuck Morgan, this regular event at Crown Center is like a town hall meeting and includes a drawing for free tickets and a memorabilia giveaway. But it’s the Q-and-A with Royals stars that might be most cathartic for disappointed fans.

Morgan has heard our line of questioning before. “It depends on what someone’s definition of ‘suck’ is,” he answers. “What people may not understand is that when a team has been struggling, it takes a long time to turn things around.”

The players don’t like to lose, nor do they enjoy the hangover that is public disapproval. A player has to be on his game to field hostile inquiries. Think Hugh Grant’s post-streetwalker confession to Jay Leno. “You never know what someone will say when they get a microphone in front of their face,” says Crown Center spokesman Chris Ronan, who has observed several of these sessions. Past participants have included players Mark Quinn, Joe Randa, Mike Sweeney and manager Tony Peña.

On Friday, two Royals stars appear for an hour or so to take questions and sign autographs. Maybe they will be able to shed some light on curiosities such as, “Why do you bring briefcases into the locker rooms?”

“I have yet to hear any Royal not mention that they have a real love for the game,” Morgan says. But we’re still not certain whether that love is a fraternal, friendly or dominatrix-seeking kind. It would be nice to witness these guys get a spanking somewhere other than on the baseball diamond.