Oh, Che, Can You See
Dear Gabachos:
Bienvenidos to the world’s foremost authority on America’s favorite beaners! The Mexican can answer any and every question on his race, from why Mexicans stick the Virgin of Guadalupe everywhere to our obsession with dwarves and transvestites. (In the course of his answers, the Mexican will use certain terms and phrases for better-rounded answers; for definitions, see his glossary at www.pitch.com.) Awright, cabrones: laugh and comprende!
Dear Mexican:
Why do more Mexicans than Argentines worship Che Guevara? I don’t think we even give a shit about him.
Maradona Maiden
Dear MM:
You’re one to trash Mexicans for revering a long-dead Argentine — how’s Evita’s corpse holding up these days? Besides, we suffer from the same condition — caudillismo, a sociological phenomenon that sees a nation fall under the sway of a charismatic individual who promises to deliver power and wealth to the masses, then gets powerful and wealthy as the masses starve and the opposition gets disappeared. Historians love to pin this malady exclusively on Latin America, but gabachos suffer from it as well — nothing else can explain why George W. Bush is president. Che worship among Mexicans, however, features a few more wrinkles than the usual caudillismo causes. Guevara, for one, was an immigrant — left Argentina for revolution — who remade his life in Mexico when he met Fidel Castro. He died young, like all good Mexican men. Che was a romantic — can’t tell you how many pro-immigrant activist e-mails end with Guevara’s famous quote, “At the risk of seeming ridiculous, let me say that a true revolutionary is guided by great feelings of love.” More important, Guevara wasn’t afraid to use violence as a method to his means in the pursuit of his love, the love that dare not speak its name except through the barrel of a gun. Don’t believe Chicanos: Whereas César Chávez advocated nonviolence, Mexicans like their leaders armed to the gold teeth — think Emiliano Zapata, Pancho Villa, Subcomandante Marcos. And now you know why democracy has never existed in Mexico.
Dear Mexican:
Whenever I badmouth illegal immigration at work, many of my Latino co-workers automatically assume I’m bad-mouthing Mexicans. Why do Mexicans always think that when a gabacho expresses dislike toward illegal immigrants, they’re talking about Mexicans?
Fences Make Good Neighbors
Dear FMGN:
Where to begin … where does Bush want to deploy the National Guard? To the Mexican border. What pissed off the Fox News nation a few weeks ago? A Spanish-language version of the national anthem. What was gabachos‘ biggest complaint during the March marches and student walk-outs? All those damned Mexican flags. What immigrant group does influential neocon and Harvard historian Samuel Huntington argue will destroy the United States? Mexicans. Which country do many conservatives accuse of trying to take over the southwest United States? Mexico. You can argue that Mexicans warrant the attention because they constitute more than half of all illegal immigrants in los Estados Unidos, but you gotta ask at some point: Why don’t the Lou Dobbses of the world rail against the Guatemalan aliens among us or the 25 percent to 40 percent of illegal immigrants who came here legally but overstayed their visas? Simple: Because none of those groups are Mexican. You can talk about fences making good neighbors, Fences, but your anti-immigrant amigos don’t like barriers put between “Mexican” and “illegal immigrant.”
Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at mexican@pitch.com. And those of you who do submit questions: Include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!
