Now that it’s summer, The Mexican once again explains why his countrymen swim in their clothes
Dear Readers:
Obviously, not enough of you have bought my paperback, because the first issue here is addressed on page 192! The second question, on the other hand, is brand-new. Now, back to smuggling illegals across the Arizona desert.
Dear Mexican:
Why do Mexicans swim in the ocean with their clothes on? I mean, denim?
Vicente Fox’s Mustache
Dear Mexican:
I know this might be a seasonal question, but why do Mexicans like swimming in their clothes? Is it a Catholic thing? My pocho Catholic cousin claims that the nuns told him it was a sin to be naked.
Huntington Beach Baboso
Dear Mexican:
I am half-Mexican myself but just don’t understand — why do Mexicans wear their clothes when swimming? They are the only people at a beach or public swimming spot who do it. Very bizarre. Please explain!
Half-Mexican
Dear Pochos:
This is by far the most-asked question in ¡Ask a Mexican! history. So, to todos ustedes, I have my own question: Are you all brown chubby chasers? Like gabachos, an alarming number of Mexicans are out of shape. According to a 2003 study by the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development, 24 percent of Mexico’s population is overweight. That’s the second-highest obesity rate in the world following — wait for it — ¡los Estados Unidos! (The Mexican’s present-day note: A 2008 study found the same results. I’d cite the exact survey, but here comes la migra — gotta run!) Unlike gabachos, Mexicans respect the public when it comes to flashing our flabby chichis, pompis and cerveza guts — when we’re out near the pool or by the beach, we cover up. It ain’t Catholicism, machismo or paying homage to our swim across the Rio Grande. It’s good manners.
Dear Mexican:
We’ve noticed that there are lots of ice cream trucks driven by Mexicans that seem patronized almost exclusively by Mexicans. We’ve come to the conclusion that Mexicans love ice cream even more than white women. Why do Mexicans love ice cream so much?
Nice Dreams
Dear Gabachos:
The easy answer is that ice cream is muy bueno; the easier respuesta is that Mexican ice cream is better than the stuff sold by gabachos. In addition to the tried-and-verdadero flavors stocked at Baskin-Robbins, Mexicans concoct wonders drawn from our many indigenous fruits — mango, papaya, tamarind, the football-shaped mamey, prickly pear and the crazily named soursop (guanábana in Spanish) are just the tastiest. Then there are the choices that reflect unique Mexican sensibilities — rompope (eggnog, which is much better frozen than sipped), chongos zamoranos (curdled milk and cinnamon) and spicy chocolate (our rocky road). But we don’t content ourselves with just soft serve. Even better are our paletas, rectangular ice pops made either from aguas frescas such as watermelon and lemonade or de leche (creamy, luscious, milked-based joys). And the best Mexican frozen delight is actually the raspado, our version of shaved ice, except our syrup is natural and won’t kill you with preservatives. Gabachos: Instead of spending the hot summer stewing over the Mexicans among you, join them in waving down the local paletero — and make sure to feed them one iced treat a day lest their natural caliente-ness causes further global warming.
Submit video preguntas and responses to youtube.com/askamexicano, and find a link to the latest edition every week alongside my regular column at Pitch.com. Or, as always, submit your spicy questions at mexican@pitch.com. Letters will be edited for clarity, cabrones.
