Northland squirrels have turned against humanity

You thought squirrels were harmless little creatures that nibble on nuts all day? Think AGAIN. They’ve gone rogue in the Northland. 

A disturbing report today from Gladstone, where a walker was attacked by a wild squirrel in Happy Rock Park — a place where most or possibly even all of the rocks are happy, or maybe there’s just one big, happy rock. 

Fox 4 is on the case. The TV station interviewed Gladstone Parks & Recreation director Justin Merky. He said crews came out to the park Monday after hearing from a woman whose injuries required a trip to the emergency room.  

“In visiting with North Kansas City Hospital, we’d learned that there had been two other victims, the evening prior, so everything happened within a 12-hour period, from what we understand,” Merky told Fox 4. 

Three squirrel attacks in 12 hours! Fox 4 posted a few first-person accounts of the attacks posted to Facebook. One says: “Today I got attacked by a crazy freakin squirrel that I had to throw off, fling off and finally hit with my shoe like a softball because he kept chasing me, attacking me and coming back for more!” Another advises to be on the lookout for a squirrel with a “lot of tail hair missing.”

An investigation has not yielded any new aggro-squirrel sightings, and there have been no new reports of squirrel attacks since Monday. Stay vigilant.