More signs of the apocalypse, Kansas City-style

A look at some of the recent stories covered on Plog (The Pitch‘s news blog) shows a clear trend toward the destruction of civilization. Or maybe spring is here. One of those.

Amber Alert

Jesus is missing, at least along U.S. Highway 71. Tune to your local news for details.

Nostradamus Never Saw This Guy Coming

Jesus is missing, but KMBC Channel 9 found the Antichrist. In an exclusive interview with the station’s Lara Moritz, self-proclaimed serial killer John Hughes offered a very good explanation for the 15 to 20 homicides he claims to have committed: He’s the Antichrist. Hughes, who was serving a life sentence in Ohio for an August 2008 murder, has been transferred to Platte County. Around here, he’s charged with first-degree murder in the shooting and killing of Valentin G. Kirilchuk, a 39-year-old trucker from Springfield, Missouri, after Hughes’ girlfriend lured Kirilchuk to a rest stop in September 2008. You might think that luring truckers to their doom at highway rest stops would be small potatoes for the incarnation of pure evil, but Hughes can prove he’s the real deal. He showed Moritz the tattoo and everything.

How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?

A flier posted at the Jackson County Courthouse notifies the public that the U.S. Census Bureau is looking to fill 1,500 jobs in the area. Who’s eligible to do the crucial, once-a-decade head count? Anyone who can correctly answer 10 out of 28 questions on a preliminary exam. But what if unemployment has driven you — someone who’s fully capable of scoring 35 percent on a multiple-choice exam — to toke up or tie off? No problem. The flier goes the extra recruiting mile with a magical pledge: “No drug testing.” Thanks for caring, feds.

Sit on My Beak

When porn actress Samantha Ryan wanted to see last week’s Sunflower Showdown, University of Kansas’ Kurtis Townsend scored her some tickets to Allen Fieldhouse. It took Jason Whitlock to sort out the usual tiresome blog- and Twitter-driven controversy: Assistant basketball coach Townsend says he knew only that the birthday girl, whom he’d recently met on a flight, was a KU fan. And, anyway, if you look at the game photos that Ryan posted to her Twitter feed, the problem isn’t the trading of hot, hot favors. No, we need to worry that the future of humanity lies in interspecies reproduction.

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Categories: News