More Head Games
Dear Readers:
Last week’s column advising Enamorada Gabacha to improve her relationship with the Mexican who invaded her heart by giving him “an old-school blow job” drew many letters — starting with a reply from Gabacha in Love herself.
Dear Mexican:
Well, of course I thought of a good old-school blow job, silly. How do you think I calmed his ass down enough to actually have sex the first time? While he loves the BJs (especially since his Mexican ex-wife wouldn’t do that — what’s up with that?), we’re still struggling. He thinks I’m gorgeous, the nicest person he’s ever met, and he loves the sex, but he doesn’t really believe that I would or could be part of his life in the long run. He’s planning to move to Texas to be closer to his kids. I’m heartbroken and wonder if I should never go down this road again. What do you think — no more gorgeous Mexican guys for me?
Enamorada Gabacha
Dear Mexican:
I’m dating a gabacha who’s very much into Mexicans, but if there’s anything American culture has taught us, it’s that gabachos like their ethnics a bit manicured. I think the blow job solution for Enamorada Gabacha is a great idea, but can a relationship between a Mexican and a gringo really work in the long term? Or is the cultural clash more like our countries’ diplomatic relations, where the United States commands and its southern, poorer neighbors must follow?
El Fruncido
Dear Enamorada and El Fruncido:
Enamorada, you’re right to wonder why Mexican women don’t like to mamar vergas — it stems from the Thomist notion that sex acts without the possibility of conception are cardinal sins. But if you’re still experiencing problems with your Mexican, you’ve discovered something profound: Noncommittal men transcend borders. Any hombre who won’t commit to a smart, sexy girl like yourself no es a real Mexican man, so kick that puto out and prepare yourself for the waves of gorgeous Mexican guys who will undoubtedly bug me for your e-mail. And Frowning Wab: You bad-mouth gabachas, yet you date one. No oral sex yet, eh?
Dear Mexican:
How come niggers don’t like Mexicans? It seems like they are welcome at our bars, but when you go to their bars, these motherfuckers act like you’re trying to reinstitute slavery. Don’t these chanates know that we don’t think like the white man?
Niggarachi
Dear Niggarachi:
Wabs like you show why tensions between Mexicans and African-Americans are waiting for a match. To bridge this perilous racial gap, I urge wabs to consult Nashieqa Washington’s recently published Why do Black People Love Fried Chicken? and Other Questions You’ve Wondered but Didn’t Dare Ask. (To order a copy, see yourblackfriend.com.) According to Washington, blacks feel that Mexicans are slowly displacing them socially, politically and economically. As more Latinos move in, she writes, “I fully expect these tensions to extend beyond poor blacks into wider society.” Washington is right — flare-ups between old and new communities in the United States are as American as jazz. But Washington doesn’t mention how fiercely Mexicans dump on African-Americans, which gives them every right to want us deported. For chrissake, Niggarachi, you called African-Americans “niggers,” “motherfuckers” and “chanates” (the Mexican Spanish word for blackbird — and yet another slur in our Rolodex of Racism used against blacks) — and you still have to ask why “they” hate us?
Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at mexican@pitch.com.
Why, oh why, is it just so hard to get along?
