Kickin’ It With TeenPitch!

By CHRIS PACKHAM

It’s Not a Baby Bump!

Amber Hathaway, age 15

New Year’s Day is the time of year when you take a good hard look in the mirror, and think about the past year and say to yourself, “Amber. You are a fat cow.” I swear to God, if I get any fatter, people are going to start mistaking me for Whitney Alton. She is so fat, she looks like she is pregnant. We sometimes make jokes and say that she was going to leave a newborn infant in the girls’-room trash can during homecoming. Maybe if she wasn’t so fat, she would know how to keep a man.

The coming year holds many things for me. One is to lose weight so my boyfriend, Rick, will want to take me to homecoming. I met Rick on MySpace. He is 29 years old! I want to keep him interested in me, which is why I’ve been doing aerobics and walking to school and making myself throw up after I eat at Sonic.

This weekend, I am going to a free movie, which is a musical. A musical is like a play with music. And the best musical is Walt Disney’s High School Musical. The original High School Musical starred Zac Efron, who i used to think was sooooooo hot, until I met my boyfriend, Rick. The main branch of the Kansas City, Kansas, Public Library (625 Minnesota, Kansas City, Kansas) is screening High School Musical 2. It is like a play with music on film, only it’s on DVD. It starts at 2 p.m. Rick can’t come with me, though, because he says he is not supposed to cross the state line for some reason. He’s so mysterious!

TeenPitch Is for Queers

Jonas Milbourne, age 14

If you are reading this, you were probably hoping for something really gay to read. Because TeenPitch is as gay as the gayest thing I can think of, which is two men having sex. The queer-o TeenPitch editor says I am supposed to ask for reader letters for a new TeenPitch Mailbag feature. So if you can think of anything more queer than the TeenPitch, write it down and send it to:

TeenPitch

c/o My butt

1700 Queer Street

Homotown, MO 64106

My grandma fell off of the shed in her backyard last weekend and broke her foot. The doctor gave her a ton of pain pills, and I took some of them out of her medicine cabinet last night. I’m meeting up with some guys from school on Saturday, and we’re going to get high on my grandma’s pain pills, and then we’re going to go to Main Street Tobacco at 4307 Main between 2 and 4 p.m. and try to get into the free hookah demonstrations. Or at least buy some cigars. My mustache is coming in pretty good, so maybe we won’t get carded.

Lord Jesus on High, Bless Your Servant, Man-Stealing Amber Hathaway, Because She is Going Straight to Hell

By Whitney Alton, age 16

My boyfriend, Dave, turned out to be a total faker! His name is really Rick, and he was dating my so-called “friend” Amber Hathaway the whole time he was dating me! I guess he likes a girl with a lot of meat on her bones, because Amber is a fat cow AND I HATE HER!

I’ve been praying for the Lord to send Amber to hell since the day after Christmas. Then I sent a MySpace message to Rick, pouring out my heart and telling him I could forgive him because Hebrews 8:12 says, “For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more.” And he blocked me!

Sunday, Unity Church of Overland Park (10300 Antioch in Overland Park) is hosting a talk called “What Is Unity?” The Rev. Patricia Bass is going to answer questions about the Unity Church from 12:30 to 1:15 p.m. I’m planning to attend, and then I’m going to go home and make an anonymous phone call to Amber’s parents about her 29-year-old boyfriend.