Keep Them Coming: Sound Off: Why some people prefer silence over a sexy playlist

Kristen Thomas. // Photo by Nicole Bissey

While many folks enjoy a moody playlist to set the tone, listening to music during sex isn’t a universal turn-on. The erotic power of silence can be highly underrated. It allows using breathy gasps, whispered words, and skin gliding against the sheets as your soundtrack. It’s an organic symphony when our bodies are in motion together. It’s often less about total silence or the absence of music, but rather about tuning in to the erotic sounds that just happen through the course of the exchange. 

Eliminating background music during sex could intensify your presence in the moment, reducing pressure to be performative. Without lyrics to interpret or beats to match, you can fully experience the sounds of intimacy: their moans, the rhythm of a shared gasp, or a soft request for ‘more’. For some, the absence of music allows space to drop deeply into their bodies, removing the need to match a tempo or “sound sexy” in time with the track. 

Silence isn’t just the absence of sound—It’s a sensory tool in its own right. In kink and BDSM circles, sound deprivation is often used to intensify power dynamics and focus. Without sound, the submissive becomes acutely attuned to every other stimulus: the temperature change when a body shifts closer, the brush of a hand, the sharp inhale before impact.

Even in non-kinky dynamics, silence can deepen erotic attention. It strips away distractions, giving way to anticipation. When partnered sex is framed as a co-created experience, not a performance, the quietness can feel like a shared secret.

One Dominant, Electra, says she regularly uses sensory deprivation to heighten eroticism in her sessions with her submissives. “Putting them in noise-canceling headphones and a blindfold is pretty common. I will alternate between silence and ambient sounds to mask my movements. I like when they don’t really know what’s coming next,” she says. “Without sight or sound cues, every touch becomes a surprise.” 

In her case, music wasn’t the mood—It was a distraction or a tool. A low, atmospheric playlist became camouflage for the soft jingle of a Wartenberg wheel or the scrape of a paddle as she picked it up, making every sensation hit harder.

What the Brain Hears During Arousal

Science backs up what these sensory explorers already know: The brain responds intensely to sound, but not always in a way that enhances eroticism. Arousal engages multiple brain regions, including the insula (which processes interoceptive awareness, like heartbeat and breath), the orbitofrontal cortex (your reward and emotional processing center), and the somatosensory cortex (responsible for touch).

These systems overlap with how we interpret sound. That means if you’re tuning into lyrics, identifying instruments, or mentally critiquing the playlist, rather than focusing on how fucking hot this experience you are having is, then your brain might divert attention away from your body’s sensations. And when the goal is embodiment, not distraction, that split focus can actually dull the experience. 

There are perfectly good reasons why someone might love music during sex, and this is not advice to never use a playlist that includes your favorite artist. A solid beat can help partners sync their movements, support sustained rhythm, or calm performance anxiety with a familiar structure. In long-term partnerships, music can function as a kind of soundtrack to your love life—one that subtly guides tempo or helps one partner match the other’s pace and headspace. But this has to be a collaborative effort.

My husband, for instance, is not into my sexy playlist with TLC and Sade that I created after last year’s column Hot and Bothered Harmonies. He explained that songs with words hijack his attention. “If I know the lyrics, I might start thinking of them in my head. If I don’t, I’m trying to figure them out. Either way, I’m not exactly focused on you.” So, we took time to collaborate on a lyric-free version, but typically it’s only used on occasion. He likes those sexy noises, just not when Salt-N-Pepa is singing about them. 

This isn’t uncommon. For those with neurodivergent brains or high auditory sensitivity, words in music can be overstimulating or even disorienting during sensual moments. A rhythm-forward playlist can enhance arousal. A poetic slow jam might derail it. A song that reminds them of an ex-lover is a vibe-ruiner.

Ambient Sound: A Middle Ground

Still, for those who feel awkward in total silence, ambient sound can offer a satisfying compromise. White noise, rainfall, ocean waves, or instrumental textures provide a sensual background without demanding too much cognitive attention. These sounds don’t just soften the atmosphere; They can block out external noise like roommates, city traffic, or a snoring dog. This allows partners to stay present in the moment and forget about potential distractions.

Apps like Endel, Noisli, or Calm offer ambient audio environments designed to support focus, rest, or even intimacy. Unlike traditional sex playlists, these soundscapes don’t require editing, taste-matching, or timing. They just hold the space.

Try swapping the DJ hat for a sensory experiment. If you’re curious about your own or a partner’s auditory preferences, consider doing a little field research. Set up a few sound experiments over a week or two: Try an erotic session with no soundtrack and another with only ambient noise. Next time, play a playlist with no lyrics, then one with suggestive or sexy lyrics. Experiment with music that builds gradually vs music that maintains a steady tempo. Each partner can take a turn choosing the auditory vibe, and then compare experiences.

Noticing which sounds turn your brain off, which ones turn your body on, and which seem to have no effect can be illuminating. Be honest if you seem to be of the polar opposite opinion. While you don’t want to yuck their yum, don’t yuck your own yum by being inauthentic. Sooner or later, you’ll either grow frustrated or they will read through your pretending to hide your distaste. 

If you and your partner have different preferences, don’t panic. You don’t need a shared Spotify/Tidal history to have blissfully connected sex. Taking turns, whether with playlists, positions, or who gets the noise-canceling headphones, can make exploration playful rather than competitive. Some nights, the rhythm of a bass line might move your bodies in tandem. Other nights, the only sound you need might be the softest exhale they make when you touch them just right. The right soundtrack isn’t always curated—it’s cultivated, moment by moment, and touch by touch.

So the next time you find yourself fumbling for your phone to queue up the mood, consider what might happen if you left the speaker off. You might discover that in the absence of music, your partner’s body and your own have plenty to say

You can find Kristen @coach_kristen_ on Twitter or openthedoorscoaching.com. Check out her podcast Keep Them Coming.

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