Keep Them Coming: Sex-free dating

Illustration by Shelby Phelps

Kansas City has a dating problem. For a few years now, we’ve landed on the “Worst US Cities to Date In” list from BestPlaces. We apparently ranked the lowest among 80 cities because, per capita, we have a minimal amount of concerts and social gathering places like bowling alleys, and we buy fewer flowers as gifts. Some folks don’t plan dates, make reservations, buy advance tickets, or—how do I say this nicely—seem to know anything about wooing or seducing someone they’re interested in dating.

In a world obsessed with instant connections and swipe-right romances, some daters are choosing a different approach—experiences where they don’t rush to the bedroom but, instead, focus on building an emotional connection.

People may choose to refrain from intercourse or sexual contact altogether while dating due to personal values, cultural beliefs, or individual circumstances. Some modern daters have seen what comes of hook-up culture—like risky sexual behavior, lack of emotional connection, and lack of orgasms—and they are saying, mmmkay hard pass. Others have just never found a special someone, and they choose long-term singlehood over settling.

Prioritizing emotional intimacy and wanting to build a strong connection before introducing physical intimacy is not just for demisexuals. It’s also not just for those adhering to religious or cultural values emphasizing abstinence. Some daters feel more at ease taking their time to get to know their partner before becoming physically involved.

F.G., a woman in her 40s, shared that she has done little more than kiss and cuddle in her dating experiences. She watched friends marry and divorce young, which led her to value assessing compatibility on various levels, such as hobbies, goals, and communication skills, before having sex and getting too attached.

“No one has piqued my interest enough to choose them over my vibrator or my peace,” F.G. says.

Some daters may feel pressured or rushed in relationships that quickly escalate to a physical level.

“It always seemed like they [men] said the right things to get me to sleep with them, then they would lose interest, then I was left feeling all the shame as if I did something wrong,” says Hannah, 31. “I’ve also heard what narcissists do is lovebomb you, then bang your brains out. I’m not looking to get hooked on some dude who wants to rush me into a relationship before I realize what a jackass he is just because he can make me cum.”

Hannah has chosen a period of abstinence for the time being until she finds a person she can’t get enough of outside the bedroom.

The intent of dating without sex is to foster a deep bond that is not influenced by sexual chemistry. Delaying sexual involvement may reduce the risk of forming attachments based on physical attraction, allowing for a more objective assessment of compatibility before getting all those extra sexy neurotransmitters involved.

Couples can explore shared interests and hobbies by going out on [gasp] real dates. Dates that are outside of one of your domiciles. Dates that let you each show the other what you like and what you want to be a part of your relationship should you choose to continue towards commitment.

How do you make this work when many daters are conditioned to expect that everyone has sex these days? If partners have different views on the timing of sexual involvement, it may lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. It’s best to be upfront about your need to get to know them first.

“I just rip the band-aid off early, like the first convo, I tell them I don’t have sex until there is a commitment. Until then, let’s see how compatible we are in all the other ways,” says Hannah.

Some might argue that waiting to engage in sexual activity might delay the discovery of physical incompatibility, which is a valid concern. Sexual chemistry is a real thing, and I am 100% a proponent of not committing to someone you don’t enjoy fucking. Abstaining during dating doesn’t mean abstaining until marriage.

For one thing, marriage isn’t everyone’s goal in life. Secondly, delaying sexual activity is just that—delaying. Ultimately, the decision to date without having sex is highly personal, and you should choose a dating approach that aligns with your values, preferences, and comfort levels.

Here are some suggestions on how to navigate this:

Plan non-sexual activities: Choose date activities such as hiking, museum visits, or attending cultural events. Date settings should be comfortable and conducive to conversation. Opt for quieter, more intimate locations where you can focus on getting to know each other without external distractions. As you grow closer, add activities that encourage teamwork, cooperation, and communication, such as cooking together, attending a workshop, or volunteering.

Communicate your intentions: Clearly express your intentions for taking a slow approach to physical intimacy. Discuss the importance of building a strong emotional connection and getting to know each other on a deeper level. Avoid pressuring your partner or making them feel uncomfortable.

Get to know each other: Focus on meaningful conversations and ask open-ended questions to learn more about your date’s values, interests, and life experiences. Understand that everyone has their own timeline for physical intimacy, and it’s essential to respect each other’s boundaries.

Express affection in other ways: Show affection through gestures like holding hands, hugging, or cuddling without necessarily progressing to sexual activity.

Remember that communication is key, and being open and honest about your intentions will contribute to a healthy and respectful dating experience. Each person’s comfort level is unique, so it’s important to find a pace that works for all involved. If you feel like the societal pressures to have sex have gotten to you, or you realize that you stayed in a dating situation way too long because the physical bond kept you together, this method could be the approach to help you find a better, more compatible partner than you’ve ever had.

For the love of all that is holy, Kansas City—please get out there and date better, regardless of whether you choose to have sex or not.

You can find Kristen @OpenTheDoorsKC on Instagram or openthedoorscoaching.com