Keep Them Coming: Pucker up, buttercup

Kristen Thomas // Photo by Nicole Bissey

Smooching, locking lips, snogging—There are a dozen more ways to describe kissing. Anthropologists say that the more names something has, the more significant it is culturally. 

Western cultures place high importance on kissing. To many people, it serves as a litmus test to discern potential sexual prowess or what their style will be like in the bedroom. Oxford researchers confirm that how well someone kisses is part of the assessment during long-term partner selection. 

Kissing behaviors and attitudes vary widely across cultures and times, but culture can be influenced by specific eras. Hooking-up is still thriving, and as daters opt-out once getting their fill, kissing—or rather when you have your first kiss—may be the key to finding a long-term relationship rather than a situationship. 

Chantal Heide—known as Canada’s Dating Coach—proposes a no-kissing for 90 days rule in her book, No More Assholes. She believes that a “generous, long-term thinker” will respect this boundary and get to know you first. 

“I realized that when I kissed when I was in dating mode, I automatically committed,” Heide says. “And it didn’t make any sense for me to commit to someone I didn’t yet know. So I managed to connect the commitment to kissing, and then I did further research to discover what were these chemicals that were committing me.” 

She’s referring to the flood of neurotransmitters or hormones our body experiences when we kiss. “Kissing increases blood levels of the hormone oxytocin, which encourages interpersonal attachment,” says Michael Castleman, a thirty-plus-year sex writer and the author of Sizzling Sex for Life. 

Deepening attachment is wonderful if you’re already in a committed relationship or working towards that level, but you could build a bond prematurely by kissing too quickly! If you find yourself in a cycle of serial monogamy, perhaps you’re guilty of this. And, agree with Heide or not about a 90-day ban, science does back her up; At the very least, you are in control of how much you allow yourself to become bonded in a new relationship before there is real commitment or full disclosure of everyone’s baggage. 

Oxytocin floods are not all you experience with your lips locked. “Endorphins and serotonin elevate mood, while dopamine mediates libido,” Castleman says. “Kissing also increases blood levels of the calming hormone oxytocin and decreases levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Consequently, kissing reduces anxiety, lowers blood pressure, and spurs emotional closeness.”

The Oxford study also found that long-term relationship satisfaction is correlated to the amount you kiss. The Gottman Institute says that kissing passionately for no reason is associated with a good sexual connection. Kissing reduces cortisol in women.

If kissing is so good for our bodies and our connection, why is it an act that falls by the wayside for some couples? Oral hygiene or a difference in skill may be to blame, and so can what Castleman calls “genital preoccupation.” In other words, you’re so focused on intercourse that you forget about all the other sexual and sensual acts that you can perform on one another.

“I think kissing is super important because, sometimes, there isn’t time for sex… I love to kiss, and it’s its own type of lovemaking to me,” says writer and poet Natasha Ria El-Scari, author of Mama Sutra: Love and Lovemaking Advice to My Son.

Kissing, hugging, touching, cuddling, skin-to-skin contact—All of it matters for building intimacy and keeping a strong sexual charge between you and your partner. Learn to hold space for acts other than intercourse because make-up sex isn’t the only way to reconnect. “A kiss can realign lovers, partners, spouses,” El-Scari says. The Gottman Institute recommends a six-second kiss to get the full psychosomatic benefits.

Perhaps it’s been a while since you’ve kissed, so you may be asking where to begin. 

“My recommendation for re-introducing kissing for couples that have stopped is to simply start,” says Heide. The ‘just do it method’ absolutely works for some couples, especially when they still have a strong bond or close friendship in place. 

“Some couples might feel a little bit more distant because it’s been a while, so my recommendation of a minimum of two kisses a day for a minimum of five seconds each would need to be preceded by a conversation in order to have the agreement,” Heide says. 

Gathering agreements, gaining consent, and setting the tone for why you want to kiss and talk more is best practice for everyone before making a sudden change in behavior. Your lover can’t be expected to understand what’s going on or match your vibe without some context. 

Eye gazing before and after, what to do with your hands, and tongue force and pattern are all considerations for becoming the best kisser you can be. Finding your style, or finding it again, is possible. Don’t be afraid to practice like you’re two teens in the back of the bus or your parents’ basement. 

When you’re ready to reconnect with each other in other sexual ways, use make-out sessions to get you ready to go. “Kissing is another beautiful way to extend foreplay,” El-Scari says. “Locking lips often opens the door to locking hips,” Castleman adds. 

If you wish you were a better kisser, consider it a skill to be honed, not a gift you’re born with or without. You have probably been with someone who seemed naturally talented at kissing, and yet, with a little practice, you too could be a dynamite kisser they can’t keep their lips away from. 

Remember Heide’s five-second kisses? That’s for physiological purposes. “You stay long enough for the kiss to linger, and that will start to create the chemical exchange through the saliva, which is the aphrodisiac, amphetamine (the good kind), and antidepressant.” You start chemically altering each others’ bodies with lingering kisses. 

Many online resources exist for anyone looking for a kissing boost. Beducated.com features Sex Educator Marla Renee Stewart discussing all things spicy. Bellesaplus.com has adult sex education courses included in their membership, including ‘The Art of French Kissing.’

Mama Sutra has a detailed outline of best practices, including receiving consent—especially for the first time—cupping the face, kissing the face and forehead, being aware of your saliva, making sure your lips are smooth, and, as Heide recommends, avoiding kissing too soon. 

Whether you choose to wait for a period of time or you kiss on the first date, make sure it’s consensual whenever it does happen. Lovers and spouses get to write the rules for what works for their relationship, including styles of kissing or how often—No one else can decide for you if five, 20, or 500 a day is enough. Keeping your partner coming involves kissing consistently through the years to maintain your sexual connection. 

You can find Kristen @OpenTheDoorsKC on Twitter or openthedoorscoaching.com. Check out her podcast Keep Them Coming.

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