Keep Them Coming: ‘New year, new me’ may mean ‘no you, no us’

Keep Them Coming with Kristen Thomas. // Photo by Nicole Bissey

Seasons come and go, but one particular time of year a family law attorney can rely upon as steadily as the cold north winds is divorce season. January is often called “Divorce Month,” though it’s more accurately “Divorce Filing Month,” according to local attorneys. 

“Yes, January is definitely one of the more popular months for filing,” Juris Law Attorney MaKenzi Smith says. “October too! I think people try to get through the holidays.” 

“There is an uptick in calls right before the holiday season. People want to be prepared to file after the holidays,” says Victoria Gordon of MannTuckerMuirGordon Family Law. 

“The fall has a spike as well,” her colleague Grace E. Hussey adds. “Couples with children may hold back to give the kids one last holiday as a family.”

Gordon said that reasons might vary as to when to time a filing for divorce. “Many of them are thinking, I will suck it up and deal with their awful mother just one more time versus have a very awkward conversation with my family as to why we aren’t together.” 

For others, this holiday season may be what finally breaks the relationship. 

“Plus, we have New Year’s resolutions—this little mechanism that makes us make changes,” Hussey says. In essence, some people’s resolution for a ‘new year, new me’ means ‘no you, no us.’

Fewer and fewer couples in the US consider themselves to be a mixed-politics household. Most people won’t date someone with differing political leanings and that polarization has only widened since 2016. A 2017 Wakeman poll found around a third of respondents indicated they would divorce a spouse who supported Trump. This poll also found that 29% replied that “the current political environment” has negatively impacted their relationship.

Gordon says there are people who have called her office who just went through the election cycle and now realize that they aren’t compatible. 

“We have had an uptick of women, in heterosexual relationships, who are wanting to divorce their ultra-conservative husbands,” Smith says. She added that cases began accumulating even before the election “when the rhetoric started intensifying a few months back.”

Men’s rights activists and right-wing internet preachers have been decrying divorce in general, but especially no-fault divorce, for reasons including women benefit too much from the dissolution, women file too easily and too often, and women tear apart their families and blindside their soon to be ex-husband.

No-fault divorce may be on the chopping block under conservative supermajorities. GOP platforms in Nebraska and Texas specifically state they want to eliminate or restrict no-fault divorce, and Speaker Mike Johnson has publicly stated his desire to ban it. 

“The interesting thing about no-fault divorce is the people who want it to go away are going to have the most problems,” Smith says.

Smith believes that it will work out poorly for those who will now have a public record of their indiscretions, such as abuse, gambling, or infidelity. Eliminating no-fault divorce will make proceedings more expensive and time-consuming.

It will also mean that people who have very real and justifiable reasons to separate may be denied by a judge. That could have implications for domestic violence rates and suicide. Women’s death by suicide rates, as well as abuse rates by and against women, declined significantly as no-fault divorce and abortion were legalized through the 1970’s. 

While it’s correct that two thirds of divorces are filed for by the wife in hetero marriages, this doesn’t mean women are the disproportionate benefactors of separation. A 2015 survey by Thomson Reuters found that 74% of divorced American men believed that courts favor women, yet that’s not backed up by records.

“Courts don’t favor mothers anymore—for custody or support payments. 90% of cases resolve without trial,” Gordon says.

Lastly, claims of Sudden Divorce Syndrome and claims that the separation “comes out of nowhere” seem unfounded. “I can’t think of the last time I had a case where he ‘didn’t know’ unless it’s abuse,” Gordon says. “Those are so rare.” 

“Most people have discussed divorce with their spouse before walking into our office. More than anything else, if the woman is filing first, there can be a lot of assumptions that aren’t accurate.” Generally speaking, divorces that move swiftly and quietly are ones that involve abuse. “Surprises can happen, but I usually see it in two primary forms: abuse cases (which is genderless) or narcissists who never believed their spouse would leave, even after multiple discussions about divorce,” Smith says. In other words, people claiming their circumstances was a surprise may be telling on themselves. 

If you find yourself asking for a referral or searching online for an attorney because of your political differences, you’re not alone. “We have a whole slate of cases ready to file in January,” says Smith. 

The first step is to remain tranquil and plan action. Call an attorney and they will guide you through the steps to gathering necessary documents and what considerations you need to make. Kansas and Missouri have very different rules and proceedings, and your lawyer will ensure you have the right information.

Hussey says that while your attorney can subpoena financial info, if you can collect statements as they come in the mail, or get the logins, it will make the path to divorce even easier. “You don’t typically see a lot of couples who share all bank accounts. More and more, they keep it separate, thinking that that protects it during the divorce. That’s not true.” Gordon and Hussey offer two final pieces of brilliant advice—save the venting for your therapist, which you should retain in addition to a lawyer ASAP, for you and your children. Secondly, Gordon says, “don’t talk to your friends about their divorce and assume that’s how yours will go.” 

If you are in a queer relationship, it may be worth having an attorney review your documents, even if your divorce is final. Your parenting agreements, custody documents, and decrees could have language in them that, according to Smith, could be nullified depending on how extreme some conservative lawmakers want to go. She believes there will be drastic changes to the law over the next four years. “How quickly laws are going to change is uncertain, but it may happen quickly.” 

You can find Kristen @OpenTheDoorsKC on Twitter or openthedoorscoaching.com. Check out her podcast Keep Them Coming.

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