Keep Them Coming: Modern intimacy requires modern men

Keep Them Coming with Kristen Thomas. // Photo by Nicole Bissey

The release of Netflix’s Adolescence has set off another round of online discourse about the “male loneliness epidemic” and boys’ behavior, but most people discussing the topic are focused on the symptoms, not the sickness. The real crisis is a cultural disconnect growing between men and women. The chasm is growing wider as many young American men drift ideologically to the right while women grow more progressive, more autonomous, and more emotionally fluent.

Our culture is not dealing with a shortage of good available women—or even a lack of nice guys. We’re dealing with a gap in emotional intelligence, mutual respect, and the skills required for modern intimacy. If anyone wants to solve the so-called loneliness epidemic, we have to stop treating emotional connection like a fringe benefit and start recognizing it as the foundation of any valuable relationship.

Scott Galloway—an academic and entrepreneur who has somehow positioned himself as a cultural commentator on a variety of topics—was recently interviewed on The Diary of a CEO podcast alongside behavioral scientist and Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science Logan Ury. They discussed the Centre for Social Justice’s recently released Lost Boys report.

“We are truly in a dating crisis right now, and there is a huge mating gap between the type of men that women are looking for and the type of men that are available,” Ury said during the episode. “This is a critical conversation around truly the future of humanity because marriage rates are down, that means birth rates are down, and so this conversation is extremely important.”

In response, Galloway made a number of outdated and overly simplistic assertions about why men are flailing. He cited statistics that show single men are more depressed, less employed, and less sexually active than ever before. He brought up research from author and Brookings Institute Fellow Richard Reeves that shows men’s adulthood issues often stem from having few to no male role models close to them during boyhood, and added that this has come at a time when women’s rights have advanced. 

Galloway described this as a crisis of masculinity where women are “leveling up” and men are being left behind in the dating pool. He brought up the heavily imbalanced numbers between how many swipes men vs women make on dating apps, claiming the difference is accounted for by women’s higher expectations producing fewer connections. 

While it’s true that surveys show men swipe right 15 times more often than women, it’s also true most men swipe based on photos and then maybe go back to look at profiles to check for compatibility after a match, whereas women report looking at a profile before choosing to swipe left or right. Of course, behavior like this could make men feel like this huge group of women isn’t interested in them, regardless of details from some of the profiles such as hobbies and political interests that would show a lack of things in common. 

Galloway casts women’s increasing selectiveness as the problem rather than men’s stagnation. He’s saying, “Women have raised their standards, and now men are suffering.” But the question he should be asking is: Why haven’t more men risen to meet those standards?

Some believe that men must be suffering right now because more women are thriving compared to previous centuries. This belief that the advancement of one group leads to the decline of another is the definition of a zero-sum game. 

“I think everyone is struggling,” Ury said. “I think life is hard, but what’s happening now is we need to have empathy for young men and we need to bring them up, because this isn’t just a problem about young men, and patriarchy doesn’t just hurt women. When there is a very narrow definition of ‘men’, everyone is hurt by that.” 

A current dating trope is that women don’t like ‘Nice Guys’. Producer Benny Blanco snagging pop star Selena Gomez has been the internet’s latest masterclass in how a man who is emotionally intelligent, confident, and kind will snag a beautiful and successful woman. On a shallow, surface level, Blanco and Gomez are the epitome of the Average Joe/Hot Girl couple that leaves the 6’5 blue-eyed finance bro befuddled. 

They were recently engaged and appeared together on the On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast to discuss their relationship. The episode has over four million views in its first two weeks. They revealed that their first kiss was while playing the popular card game ‘We’re Not Really Strangers’. Games like this are designed to allow for deep dialogue about difficult topics while removing the stigma of asking such forward questions unprompted.

Research has shown that asking a person, even a stranger, deep and personal questions can create bonds quickly, such as with the 36 Questions to Bring You Closer Together—designed by a team of social psychologists testing if they could facilitate interpersonal closeness between participants via a series of increasingly personal questions. The answer was yes, they could. Participants formed long-term friendships, relationships, and even marriages came out of that lab. 

Why do we become deeply bonded after deep conversations? Because they build comfort, safety, and trust—three keys for long-term relationship health. When we find common ground and see the other person’s humanity, we bond quickly.

Blanco said in the episode that partners will tell you what they need. “I think people’s biggest problems, especially men, are we don’t listen. Just shut up and listen to what they are saying. A woman is going to tell you exactly what she needs. When guys are like ‘I don’t know what she wants!’ She told you already. You’re just an idiot. You’re not listening.”

“Emotional intelligence is the new currency in dating, but these guys were raised not to be emotionally intelligent, but to be a provider,” Ury said. The solutions to closing the gap between women and men are multipronged, but it won’t be best solved by women simply lowering their standards, yet challenging what their standards are based upon can be worthwhile. 

Ury believes we need a new definition of the modern masculine man. Men must become role models for one another and seek connections in their community with one another that offers healthy, kind, and healing spaces. It doesn’t even have to always be male-exclusive to provide the benefits of community-building and bonding

You can find Kristen @coach_kristen_ on Twitter or openthedoorscoaching.com. Check out her podcast Keep Them Coming.

Click below to read the May 2025 Issue of The Pitch Magazine: