Keep Them Coming: Hurts so good

Kristen Thomas // Photo by Nicole Bissey

At a dungeon night, a friend and I practiced voyeurism from a couch, chatting while we watched a couple wrestle on the floor. My friend couldn’t help but lean into me to make an observation after seeing the top reach around his play partner and squeeze the fuck out of her nipple. She released a deep groan that transmuted into a growl as she pushed through, releasing into silence as she inhaled through her nose. My friend chuckled sadistically and said to me, “She’s a total pain slut.”

This nickname for a masochist isn’t embraced by all; There are options like heavy bottom, baby boy, little one, and more. Whatever that woman preferred, I never found out, but I watched her take all sorts of contortions, holds, bites, and more that night and could tell she loved every second. 

Masochism is deriving pleasure from physical, emotional, and psychological pain or humiliation. Austrian psychiatrist Richard von Krafft-Ebing coined the term masochism and believed it was a genetic condition (hint—It’s not). Being into masochism as a kink is not the same as having a diagnosis of sexual masochism disorder. Sexual Masochism Disorder (SMD) in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) refers to when one can’t separate day-to-day life from the act, feels compelled to participate regardless of circumstances, is despondent, or participating is causing harm. The World Health Organization doesn’t recognize any aspect of masochism as a disorder in the current version of the International Classification of Diseases.

Recent literature reviews affirm that “BDSM (Bondage/Discipline, Domination/Submission, Sadism/Masochism) practices are not signs of mental illness,” and that participants reported that the “reasons to engage in s/m were related to one of three main types of activities: use of interpersonal power; experiencing physical pain; and altering one’s state of mind” (Labrecque et. al, 2020).

Masochists find that they can achieve highs similar to drugs like MDMA. Practitioners release the same feel-good neurotransmitters as when non-kinksters experience pleasure. “Our bodies release serotonin, dopamine, and other chemicals when our senses are heightened or challenged. Receiving pain can trigger all of those and provide euphoria,” says local kink educator and sadomasochist Vicky.

“For some, their fight/flight kicks in and they’re able to transport their brain to a happy quiet place away from the world,” Vicky says. “And no other activity can provide that serene peace for them. Many, like myself, want to endure. If the world has been cruel, it helps me to have a safe space to feel, to be angry, to yell, and to endure. And masochism can provide that space until you release all that bottled negative energy and melt into a puddle of peace and quiet. Many masochists have sexual gratification tied closely to pain. It’s nearly impossible for them to separate the two. Pain provides pleasure. It’s as simple as that.”

People who participate in erotic pain and/or humiliation often fly under the radar. Housewives, executives, lawyers, medical personnel—and it’s also not all people who experienced trauma in life. 

“I bust my ass all day long. I’m constantly in charge and making decisions at work. That’s why I’ve been in a dom/sub relationship for four years—When I come home, I don’t have to make a single choice,” says M, (40s). She admits that seeing sadism and erotic power exchange depicted in a Fifty Shades of Grey movie unlocked something inside her. Problematic depictions aside, sometimes you don’t know what you’re into until you see or hear an example. 

“If someone is looking to explore [pain], they first need to ask themselves, ‘Why?’” Vicky says. “I would then recommend they watch people play. Regular people, not porn.” Early exploration of erotic pain can come through watching cinema or porn, but those depictions often don’t match reality and create unrealistic expectations. 

Perhaps your partner has asked you to explore together, or a new person you’ve met while dating is asking if you’re interested in joining their world. “Test out the waters with a trusted person you have vetted,” Vicky says. Vetting includes spending time with them, but also checking their digital footprint, the sex offender registry, asking questions, and even asking for references. 

Any play partner should want to know your limits, your fantasies, and what you crave. “I have a responsibility to understand what my partner’s limits are and push them without violating them. The first session with someone new is always fairly light, as it gives both parties an opportunity to understand each others’ cues and get a feel for the energy exchange involved,” says Doc, a 20+ year top and sadist. 

If you’re not ready to jump into exploring pain as a bottom without support, our region features education through groups such as Consent Kansas City, Samsara Temple, KC Rope Collective, IX, as well as a handful of kink and sex coaches. The community is rooted in education and safety. 

“Go to a munch [a social] and then go again and again. There are multiple around town and can be found on FetLife. Make friends who will provide safe spaces for you to try things. Not all kink needs to happen with a romantic partner. Friends often throw small or private parties where you can begin to explore,” Vicky says. 

As with most things, start small and start solo. Look around your house for items that are safe but can be dual-purpose like a spatula or wooden spoon. Try a couple of wacks on your own bottom or, after a conversation with your partner, hand it to them after you’ve asked them to please try using it on you.

Once you start to explore pain as a bottom, everyday objects will start to make your wheels turn. Exploration also means learning what you’re into and what you’re not. “Learn quickly to say ‘No’ when something doesn’t feel right to you,” says Vicky. “Be ready with a plan to handle adverse reactions.” 

Perhaps shame or guilt bubbles up, judgement, and self-doubt. Kink is grounded in working towards shedding these things by learning to accept pleasure so long as it’s sane, safe, and consensual. That doesn’t mean you will have no negative feelings to process. However, take the time to assess where those feelings are coming from—your moral compass or someone else’s? 

Vicky says, “I often read comments on Soft White Underbelly under ‘a masochist’s interview’ and the message from the world is ‘You’re being abused.’ Why doesn’t the world say that of rugby, football, UFC, or ballet? This life is meant to be lived. Go to your grave with a body full of scars that tell a story.”

You can find Kristen @OpenTheDoorsKC on Twitter or openthedoorscoaching.com. Check out her podcast Keep Them Coming.

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