Kansas now has nation’s second best community college, world laughs at North Carolina’s pitiful third place

Once again the residents of North Carolina wake to face another gray morn in the bitter, barren moonscape that is their lives. Their community colleges languish behind Hesston College in Washington Monthly’s annual community college rankings.

Imaginary calls made to several North Carolina residents were not returned for comment, save for one man who – after I informed him of the state’s latest failing – asked me to remain on the line with him while he swallowed a bottle of prescription medication. “I just don’t want to be alone when I fall into the darkness,” he begged. “Isn’t it enough I’ve wasted my life on the shame of the Atlantic Seaboard?”