Kansas City Strip

Bottoms up: Coyote Ugly is now out on video, but you’re no Tyra Banks, and this ain’t New York City, so don’t even think about stomping around on your favorite bar in your George W. Bush shit kickers.

That’s the message from Kansas City’s manager of regulated industries, Eldon “Killjoy” Audsley, who sent out a lengthy memo to bar owners along with their 2001 alcoholic beverage licenses. Among the revised rules: “Dancing on bar or tabletop is prohibited. The popular movie Coyote Ugly features such performances, but they are strictly prohibited in Kansas City on any bar, table or other place where food or beverages are served.”

When the cheesefest starring Banks, Piper Perabo and Adam Garcia hit screens last summer, was Audsley really worried that copycat line dancers might mount barroom tabletops, spilling 80-proof hooch, lighting it and kicking up their heels amid blue flames?

Tabletop and bartop dancing haven’t really caught fire, says William Goeking, special investigator for regulated industries; complaints are rare for that offense. Audsley isn’t taking any chances, however, even though at Have a Nice Day Cafe, for example, the false ceiling over the bar is too low for high-altitude dancing, and the few pedestal tables are unlikely to remain erect with a dancer atop. “For us, it would be unsafe because of the tables,” says bar manager Alex Briones. Besides, he has a dance floor.

So what’s Audsley being such a fuddy-duddy about? It turns out that regulators’ concerns were aroused by a brand of dancers rarely known for their footwork. Some adult dance halls “had the ladies doing lap dances, except they were doing that on the tables,” says Goeking. “It was determined that that was not a good idea and was a health issue as well.”

So Ginger, Sasha and Tina at Bazooka’s can get butt-naked and shake their moneymakers within inches of patrons’ juice glasses, as long as they remember that Bazooka’s $5 table dance is at the table, not on it.

All of Kansas City’s bars are a little safer now that Audsley’s banned boots as well as booty. Thanks, Eldon.