Jesus Survives

Hip-hop MC Priceless Diamonds describes herself as a “boss bitch” who grew up boosting clothes and turning the occasional trick. She’s no angel, but she’s got advice. So listen up, y’all.

All of my girlfriends are getting pregnant. I’m horrified … maybe there’s something in the water? What’s the most effective birth control?

Abstinence. All them birth control, all that stuff ain’t 100 percent guaranteed. Condoms and stuff, birth control pills, it ain’t a 100 percent guarantbee. The shot sure as hell ain’t 100 percent guaranteed. I still had a period while I was pregnant. That runs in my family. So every time I found out I was pregnant, it was too late to make any decisions.

Babies are the new accessory. Besides, this is layup season. A lot of people are in the house, cuddling — you know, ’cause it’s cold outside — watching DVDs and makin’ babies. By summer ’06, fall ’06, it’s gonna be a baby boom. That’s exactly what it is — it’s layup weather.
So, since abstinence ain’t gonna happen …

I’d say get the shot. But with the shot, you’re gonna gain a little weight. Or lose weight. The shot affects your thyroid. There’s that new NuvaRing, but I’d rather see you get the patch, which goes on your butt or under your arm. That ring, that stuff up in you, bacteria and stuff can build up. For real. You sittin’ in the tub, water’s getting up in there and stuff.

Now, the pill, see, I don’t like the pill. It helps with your complexion and stuff, but you gotta remember it every day. And if you forget, you double up, remember? You get a double pack from your pharmacist and keep one at your boyfriend’s house or wherever you be, at your car. All those hormones in your body, I’m getting sick just thinking about it.
Got a question only Priceless can answer? E-mail her at bossbitch@pitch.com.

Jesus Survives

Unless you’re one of the masses talking in tongues at his megachurch, you probably know Pastor Mike Purkey from his television spiel. He’s the guy spouting off about how he can fix your marriage. The Lenexa Christian Center is “where miracles happen,” Pastor Mike boasts in his silvery Southern accent. Bring your sorry-ass marriage down to his 5,000-seat temple, and he’ll save you from the bowels of divorce.

So it may come as a surprise that Purkey recently welcomed guest speaker Danni Boatwright, winner of CBS’s Survivor: Guatemala. Before Boatwright spoke on a recent Sunday, Purkey even took out ads promoting her appearance, then tailored his sermon to how one can “survive” anything with J.C.

We’re a little baffled about how religious types always seem to hate Hollywood —until it manufactures some show they can glom onto. We’re no biblical scholars, but we don’t remember Sunday school lessons about Moses voting folks off the ark.

Then there’s the not-very-churchlike attire that Boatwright wore in the Guatemalan jungle: a strip of lucky fabric fashioned into a tube top. (God will forgive her for that because she’s hot.)

But the oddest thing about Boatwright speaking alongside marriage-fixin’ Pastor Mike is that Boatwright isn’t exactly a picture of wifely success. Boatwright, who grew up in Tonganoxie and was runner-up in the 1996 Miss USA Pageant, married country music singer Wade Hayes in 1999. They divorced in 2003. Paparazzi have since snapped photos of Boatwright with another symbol of marital failure, Mario Lopez. Yes, that Mario Lopez, A.C. Slater from Saved by the Bell. Boatwright’s publicist says they’re not dating, but it’s interesting to note that Lopez managed only a two-week marriage last year to actress and sultry former Doritos girl Ali Landry. (He allegedly cheated on her during his bachelor party.) Where were you when Slater went down like that, Pastor Mike?

In his defense, Purkey justified Boatwright’s visit by reminding his flock that she is a good Christian. She did, after all, mouth “thank you, Jesus” after winning Survivor‘s million-dollar prize. She led her tribemates in prayer before meals of maggot-infested corn, and she used to go to the Lenexa Christian Center before she went all Hollywood.

During the 9 a.m. service, Boatwright, discussing the theft of a chicken that had been sacrificed by the Guatemalan natives, cited 1 Corinthians 8:4, which dismisses false idols. She also credited the Almighty for outsmarting her fellow castaways. “Nobody ever came back in Survivor with an alliance stacked against them,” she said, wearing a crisp white shirt and black pants. “I did it, thanks to God.”

Boatwright has taught us an important lesson: God is a fan of reality TV.

Prepube Proposals

A powerful new lobbying group has emerged in the Missouri Legislature: prepubescents. Republican Sen. Bill Alter of High Ridge credits a fifth-grader with the idea of forcing stores to sell warm beer. To curb drunk driving, Alter wants grocers to hawk brews kept no cooler than 60 degrees. As the influence of these prepubes grows, the Pitch has obtained copies of future laws:

· Cloning legal, but only to reintroduce dinosaurs.

· Eminem named official state rapper.

· Environmental laws ensure that Missouri

waterways run with 100 percent chocolate milk and that native trees grow gumdrops, Dum Dums and Butterfingers.

· Gov. Matt Blunt must wear a Darth Vader mask; Roy Blunt will dress as the Emperor.

· The new legal driving age: 11.

· New, taxpayer-funded amusement park in which patrons destroy buildings with bulldozers, cranes and wrecking balls.

· Missouri citizens get a choice of a free puppy or kitten on their birthdays.

· All elementary school students get backyard forts built by the Missouri National Guard.

· Stricter domestic-violence laws: When Daddy hits Mommy, Nickelodeon green slime falls from the ceiling.