Jason Whitlock is looking for ‘a blossoming May flower’ to ‘fertilize into a special, 28-year-old bouquet’

Ladies, this is Jason Whitlock’s mating season. His latest Fox Sports column says he’s a fan of “June-December romances,” then adds: “but a blossoming May flower certainly could be fertilized into a special, 28-year-old bouquet by a patient and attentive gardener.” That’s a garden I’d prefer to stay away from.

The boobie magnet preaches that the real victims of Steve McNair’s awful death are his children. True, but this wouldn’t be a Whitlock column if he didn’t insert himself in awkward ways. See, he isn’t “the morality police” (you don’t say), and he’ll have you know that he gets his ” ‘Becky‘ on from time to time.” Has he been watching Clueless?

Relationship expert Whitlock explains how real men like him romance the ladies:

Every man I know has a little Captain in him. We see a pretty young thang working her way through nursing or cosmetology school and it’s just in our nature to pay a cellphone bill, a car note or get her nails done.

It’s what we do.

Some lucky lady is about to get her cell phone bill paid! Look out, Cricket. But she better have a “a stuffed onion.” “Oozing pumpkins” need not apply.

Nod to Deadspin.