Is the Jungle Law Group a law firm or a reality TV show?
FADE IN:
INTERIOR — JUNGLE LAW GROUP OFFICE — DAY
We OPEN on a circular table in a glassy conference room. Seated around the table are five individuals: an UNSAVORY JOURNALIST and four members of the JUNGLE LAW GROUP.
There’s TRISTEN WOODS — late 30s; long, flowing blonde hair; crisp shirt; Fabio at the office.
Beside him is his wife, LAUREN KRUSKALL — mid 30s; longer, flowing black hair; black pantsuit; movie-star makeup; looks very much like the former cheerleader that she is.
Flanking the happy couple: DONNA WOODS — mother of TRISTEN, late 50s, poofy blonde hair, leopard-print blouse, a little bossy.
On the other side of Tristen, KAREN WOODS — mother of DONNA and grandmother of TRISTEN, nearly 80, a little batty.
UNSAVORY JOURNALIST
The billboards. Whose idea was that?
CUT TO:
EXTERIOR — KANSAS CITY — INTERSTATE 35 AT RUSH HOUR
Cars whizzing up and down the highway. The camera pans up and we see a billboard with a green tropical-forest background. TRISTEN, shirtless, and LAUREN, leopard-print bikini, are hanging from the trees. The big, yellow text on the billboard reads: “SWINGING INTO KANSAS CITY SOON.”
BACK TO:
INTERIOR — JUNGLE LAW GROUP OFFICE — DAY
DONNA
We wanted to present something unusual to Kansas City as a way of getting attention for the law firm. You see them on that billboard, and you think, “What is this for? Is it something with the zoo? A movie?” And so it built some anticipation.
TRISTEN
And when we decided to move back here from Miami, I knew I wanted to start practicing law. I grew up here — Lake Lotawana, Lee’s Summit, and I went to Rockhurst College. But I hadn’t lived here in 13 years. I didn’t know anybody. And people have called me Tarzan my whole life. I’ve always had long hair. So I figured a good way to get my name out would be to call myself Tarzan the Law Man, and I’ll put elephants and monkeys and all kinds of stuff on my billboards. People said that’s crazy. I said, “Well, let us try.” We thought it all up on our own.
DONNA
We’re trying to reach out to younger generation. And it’s working. Getting lots of media attention locally and national.
LAUREN
We’re unconventional. Lawyers are seen as conventional and intimidating. And some people are like, “Will that style be compatible with attorneys.” I said, “No, but I think it will change how people perceive attorneys in the future.”
CUT TO:
INTERIOR — TV STUDIO — DAY
The set of a local morning TV talk show. On one side of this large room is a camera-ready sofa set-up where the hosts sit and interview guests. Nearby is a fancy, well-lit kitchen area where food segments are filmed. Neither is being utilized; it’s late in the afternoon, and the hosts and crew have gone home for the day.
On the other side of the room, about 15 people are gathered around a shoot for a TV commercial that is underway. Away from the cameras, a middle-aged man is seated in a chair, holding a MONKEY wearing a diaper. The man is chatting quietly with another man wearing a Hawaiian shirt with a WHITE COCKATOO crawling around on his shoulder. A few feet away: a loud, colorful, caged PARROT, and a kitchen-trash-can-sized OWL resting on a horizontal pole. TRISTEN is standing shirtless in a loincloth in front of a green screen wearing white-and-blue Nikes. He’s fumbled his line a few times and is trying to get it right. He’s frustrated but not too upset. A DIRECTOR is coaxing him through.
TRISTEN (to camera)
Lost in the legal jungle? Have no fear, the law man is here.
DIRECTOR
Cut. That’s the one. We got it.
TRISTEN walks away from the greenscreen to the side of the soundstage toward LAUREN, wearing a grey business pantsuit.
TRISTEN
How’d I do?
LAUREN
Good.
TRISTEN
Good or great?
LAUREN (smiling)
Perfect.
BACK TO:
INTERIOR — JUNGLE LAW GROUP OFFICE — DAY
LAUREN
Tristen and I have been together for 10 years, almost 11. We met in Los Angeles. We were both modeling and acting. I used to play oboe professionally. I played in the Arizona Opera, the Tucson Symphony. But I’m from Boston originally. We moved to Florida together, and Tristen convinced me to go to law school. We’d noticed that a lot of attorneys are married. It seemed like a good way to share your life, share your career. And while I was in law school, I did a cheerleading stint for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for one year. When I graduated, Tristen said, “Let’s start a firm in Kansas City.” We were initially only going to do the animal thing for marketing purposes. But it’s become part of our practice, doing animal law cases.
BACK TO:
INTERIOR — TV STUDIO — DAY
Now LAUREN is reciting words into camera for a television ad. She’s standing on a wooden box for height. The PARROT is on her shoulder.
LAUREN (to camera)
I settle auto accident cases and I also handle sexual harassment cases in the workplace. Hashtag #metoo. As a former professional cheerleader, I know the playbook. Se habla —
Before LAUREN can say “Espanol,” the bird squawks and then shits down the side of her pants.
DIRECTOR
Cut.
An ASSISTANT OF SOME KIND walks over with a towel and cleans up the bird shit.
LAUREN
It’s no big deal. This happens all the time.
LAUREN pulls out her phone and taps out an email. Near the back of the room, a MAKEUP ARTIST is doing DONNA’s face. TRISTEN stands nearby.
DONNA
Tristen, when you do say the “DUI, BUI, traffic citation” line, do it like you did last night when we were going over it.
INTERIOR — JUNGLE LAW OFFICE LOBBY — DAY
DONNA is hovering over a young office assistant seated at a desk.
DONNA (to the assistant)
Make sure when you call them you tell them about the national interest we’re getting from TV and magazines.
BACK TO:
INTERIOR — JUNGLE LAW GROUP OFFICE — DAY
DONNA
I call myself the Momager. They sprung this whole law firm thing on me. I’ve worked in advertising here in town for years. We have an on-hold advertising business. We write scripts and produce programs for clients — the stuff you hear when you’re waiting on hold for a hotel or an auto dealer or an airline. But now everything’s a whirlwind. I had a business and friends and a life and I’ve put it all on hold these last six months. I’m trying to figure out the best avenues for marketing, billboards, social media, our website, commercials. It’s all new to me.
KAREN
When you’re coming new to town, you don’t have 50 years of experience behind you, you’re not [NAME OF FIRM REDACTED], you don’t have jury attorneys. This is a whole new realm.
TRISTEN
Karen, what are you talking about?
DONNA [to UNSAVORY JOURNALIST]
Can you not put the name of that firm in your story?
BACK TO:
INTERIOR — TV STUDIO — DAY
KAREN sits in front of makeshift desk wearing a black judge’s robe. Behind her is a green screen. She’s holding a gavel and staring at the camera.
CAMERA GUY (off screen)
Alright, let’s go one more.
KAREN
Case dis-missed.
KAREN taps the gavel down onto the desk.
CAMERA GUY
Again, but this time really raise the gavel and slam it down.
KAREN
Case! Dismissed!
KAREN slams the gavel slightly harder.
CAMERA GUY
This time harder, but look right at the camera when you do it.
TRISTEN [to UNSAVORY JOURNALIST]
She’s 78 years old.
BACK TO:
INTERIOR — JUNGLE LAW GROUP OFFICE — DAY
UNSAVORY JOURNALIST
This kind of advertising you’re doing is a very specific choice. What do you think about people who say you’re making a mockery of the legal profession by appearing half-naked on billboards?
CUT TO:
MONTAGE OF LOCAL ATTORNEYS SPEAKING TO UNSAVORY JOURNALIST
LAWYER #1
[Reading from the Missouri Supreme Court’s “Rules of Professional Conduct]: “In all communications concerning a lawyer’s services, a lawyer should avoid advertising that serves to denigrate the dignity of the profession or trust in courts, of which every lawyer functions as an officer.” Now, to me, a guy in a loincloth on a billboard — that’s possibly denigrating the dignity of the profession. That’s my opinion. I don’t want to be quoted on that.
LAWYER #2
It’s all hat, no cattle. It’s all marketing and no actual lawyering underneath. Do they even try cases? They say they do animal law. I don’t even know what that is! This is off the record, right?
LAWYER #3
Imagine if some journalist came to town and started … oh, I don’t know. I guess it’s not that different than the other attorneys who advertise on billboards. I met the Tarzan guy once. He seemed like an OK guy. Don’t quote me.
LAWYER #4
Somebody told me Tarzan’s name used to be Jason. You know anything about that?
BACK TO:
INTERIOR — JUNGLE LAW GROUP OFFICE — DAY
TRISTEN
I’m working on over 100 cases right now. We’re doing real work. We do the animal cases mostly for free to bring awareness to crimes committed against animals. I do mostly DUIs and traffic tickets. I’ve done civil work for years, but now Lauren is doing more of that end of things with the sexual harassment stuff. She’s gonna be at the forefront of the #metoo movement just like we’ve been at the forefront of the animal stuff.
UNSAVORY JOURNALIST
Have you gotten any feedback from other lawyers about your advertising?
TRISTEN
A lot of attorneys have reached out and said they were impressed — that they didn’t have the balls to do something like that. Others try to poke fun at us and bring us down. I had a guy call and say there’s no such thing as animal rights law on the books. Which is not true. I didn’t even respond to him.
LAUREN
I think what has been cool is that, when we got here, there were a lot of attorneys who maybe didn’t take us seriously because of the marketing. But the good news is that other attorneys reached out and were like, “We want in.” They wanted us to refer them cases, collaborate with us. Many have been really generous.
TRISTEN
And I’m doing a CLE at the Nelson — a continuing legal education class — soon to talk about how our firm has approached marketing and branding. And the American Bar Association, they just did a story on us. They’re featuring us with a four-page spread. That’s a publication that goes out to 450,000 attorneys. So we’ve got national attention. They’ve gotta be taking us seriously at this point.
DONNA
And we’re talking to TV, too. We have a sizzle reel we’re putting together for Ellen. And we’re in talks with six networks about a reality show.
UNSAVORY JOURNALIST
Which ones?
DONNA
We don’t want to say yet.
TRISTEN
The idea is we could get national, or really, international exposure for what we’re doing with animals — defending animals against crimes and cruelty.
DONNA
But it would also follow us around at the firm and the day to day of what we do here.
Here, we zoom in on the face of the UNSAVORY JOURNALIST as it dawns upon him that he is essentially participating in an early rehearsal for a Jungle Law Group reality TV show. The kooky grandma, the pushy mom, the beautiful couple fighting on behalf of adorable critters — all four primary characters have already been developed. All that’s left to be done is bring in the cameras and build some storylines around them.
DAYDREAM SEQUENCE
UNSAVORY JOURNALIST imagines potential Tarzan the Law Man scenes. We see:
-TRISTEN in a Judge Judy-style courtroom, telling the defense to stop “monkeying around.”
-An ELDERLY WOMAN pets a tabby cat with wheels for back legs. TRISTEN and LAUREN look on with sympathetic eyes. The ELDERLY WOMAN informs them of a suspicious neighbor she believes to be responsible for her cat’s disfigurement. “Let the Law Man handle this,” TRISTEN says solemnly.
-A shirtless TRISTEN and bikini’d LAUREN celebrate on the beach after being awarded substantial punitive damages in a case involving a stolen toucan. They clink their boat drinks together and lean in for a kiss just as DONNA appears with reports that a cow-tipping bandit is on the loose back in the Midwest. Their services are required. “Typical mother-in-law,” LAUREN jokes, rolling her eyes.
-An injured but impish pit bull claws at LAUREN’s chest, nearly removing her shirt and exposing her bra. “Do you want my help or not?” TRISTEN says, faux-stern.
END DAYDREAM
BACK TO:
INTERIOR — JUNGLE LAW GROUP OFFICE — DAY
DONNA
…We’ve got some producers coming out in June who will be filming us around the office. And I think pretty soon after that we’ll have an idea where things are with TV. In the meantime, I’ve got my hands full getting the word out.
LAUREN
It’s been pretty crazy around here with everything. Never a dull moment.
DONNA
That’s for sure. Never a dull moment.
TRISTEN
Yep.
DONNA
And we’re gonna be at Rockfest this year, too. You ever go to Rockfest? We’ll have cutouts of Tristen and Lauren that you can stick your face into and take a picture. We’ll be really interactive with the audience, and we’ll have a couple of girls in their tiger outfits holding up Jungle Law signs. I think you should come. It’s gonna be fun.
FADE OUT
♦
