Independence Center Days

Tempers flared at last Wednesday’s tryouts for America’s Next Top Model, though the fracas at the Independence Center mall had nothing to do with the fact that Elyse got screwed in the reality TV show’s first season.

Cops were called to the scene after one ANTM hopeful accused another of spitting on her. The shoving match that ensued threatened to taint an otherwise peaceful day of inadequately beautiful girls, hootched out in the finest that 5-7-9 has to offer, waiting for inevitable rejections.

A mall security guy assured us that the spit spat was nothing more than nerves. “People have been waiting in line for four hours,” the avuncular guard said. “Lots of people want a break. We all want to be stars. Even me.”

Most of the hundred or so young women were more ladylike as they filled out questionnaires and waited for the long line to budge. Kansas City was one of just seven audition cities, so Midwestern gals of tall shapes and sizes traveled here with dreams of getting hissed at by supermodel-turned-ANTM-superjudge Janice Dickinson (author of the drunk-model memoir No Lifeguard on Duty).

“Our strategy is to be ourselves,” said 22-year-old Jessica Perea of Omaha, Nebraska, speaking for 18-year-old sister Jennifer while waiting for the arrival of their 20-year-old sister. Both visible Pereas were sufficiently sexy for our tastes, but after channeling Dickinson, we found them more Smallville than ANTM.

Not that we watch Smallville.

Our favorite candidate was Celeste, an eighteen-year-old Lee’s Summit brunette who claimed she had just showed up on a whim and decided to give it the old high-school-graduate try.

Considering Kansas City’s dangerous proximity to the Bible Belt, our biggest fear was that the show’s producers might come looking for next season’s Robin, the sassy, plus-sized, gospel-touting, hypocritical tight-ass who’s mere presence each week of Season 1 was enough to unleash Dickinson’s Botoxed scowl.

“Ech, horrible!” Celeste said when asked about the Bible bimbo.

So Celeste wouldn’t subject UPN viewers to the sight of her reading the good book?

“No,” she said, capturing our hearts, “not me whatsoever.”