Hoobastank? Youbastank.

If you can’t dance as well as former Pitch music editor Andrew Miller, then maybe you can find other ways of enjoying yourself at a few of these shows.

FRIDAY

Nina Nastasia and Olympic Size at Record Bar

We wrote about this but failed to mention that it’s an early show, starting at 7 p.m. I reeeeeally wish I could go see Olympic Size, but I don’t know if I’ll make it. Actually, I wish they were playing Sunday afternoon. I always get depressed on Sundays and could use this lovely band’s medicative music at such times. Later tonight, metal bands Vena Amori and the Esoteric shake the RB’s rafters.

Tool and Isis at Kemper Arena

I ran out of space in this week’s paper and had to cut the Tool Critic’s Choice I was going to run, but since I paid for it out of the budget, here it is:

It’s been a long time since you could count on a Tool concert to include a bunch of thrashy numbers slowed down to three-quarter speed. Now that the spaced-out alt-metal quartet has pushed the limits of quiet with its latest album, you can pretty much bank on the band to spend a great deal of the show on buildup. Of course, Tool must be applauded for pushing its audience yet again, as the pacing it attempts to pull off onstage bucks against the overwrought riff abuse that passes for heavy music at distraction-crammed Ozzfest. In short: at a Tool show, you check your ADD at the door. On the other hand, for being so great at crafting long musical journeys on record, Tool doesn’t necessarily achieve flow with its set lists, relies a little too much on visuals, and — now that the body of work has gotten large enough — is likely to leave out up to a good dozen of your favorite songs. Still, it’s a gamble you can’t afford to pass up. It’s freakin’ Tool, man. — Saby Reyes-Kulkarni

Bet now you really wanna go.

Matt Costa and The 88 at the Bottleneck

This is pretty much loud pop, not whiny, teeny pop, at least. In fact, I know it’s not teeny pop, because the only time I watched five minutes of the sitcom How I Met Your Mother, half the episode was devoted to talking about The 88, which was going to play at a high school, so one of the female lead 20-something characters wanted to see them to see if they’d be good enough to play her wedding reception, or something ridonculous like that (thanks for that word, Braverman). I’d never seen a sitcom sell out to a band (or its label, publicist, whatever) before; usually, it’s the other way around. It made me vomit on my lap, which, unfortunately, was at the time occupied by my cat.

Scratch Track, Great Dane, Give Me Sound at the Brick

Scratch Track is an acoustic-guitar-playing hip-hop group with a fair amount of national success and a member who’s from Kansas City. But no one here seems to know them very well, unless I’m mistaken. It’s odd to see them on a bill with alt-country rockers Great Dane (new to the scene), which I last First Friday outside Grinders. Bassist Nathan Ellis has quite a resume, having been in Coalesce and the Appleseed Cast; also, the guitarist has a ponytail, but don’t let any of that bias you for or against as you listen to a few songs on their Myspace page.

SATURDAY

The Caves and Pinebox Serenade at the Brick

The last time I was having a drink at the Brick, club owner Sheri Parr, practically grabbed me by the lapels and shook me, so excited was she about this show. We already know the Caves are good. In fact, Sheri seemed even more stoked about this Pinebox band, comparing them to local royals the Hearers and In the Pines. I’ll give a shot to anyone who sounds like those bands.

Chevelle, Hinder, Hoobastank, Nickleback at Kemper Arena

Nickleback is and always has been so lame that the video from their first hit makes me nostalgic. That came out my first year of marriage, when we lived in a small modern apartment that had free cable and would sit on the loveseat and watch videos after midnight, which is the only time MTV and VH1 plays them. But I still wouldn’t go to this concert for all the virgins in suicide bomber heaven. It gratifies me greatly that Hoobastank and Chevelle — two fellow “hard rock” bands from the early ’00s are wedged on the same bill. It means that soon, they’ll all be history, and hopefully they’ll take newcomers/copycats Hinder with them.

SUNDAY

Billpile & guests at the Record Bar

I just got this email from Bill Pile, a well-known local DJ of the ilk who makes ladies sweat. I don’t know what he’s been snorting, smoking or huffing lately, but get me some:

hey folks. I’m DJing this sunday at the Record Bar under the name Chuck Schick (character from Caddyshack). I will be playing along side my buddies Steve Tulipana (one the owners) and Billy Brimblecom. We will be playing some pretty funny stuff including selections from my acclaimed “hot songs for soccer moms” compilations. Yes, you will hear Kenny Loggins, Hall & Oats, Christopher Cross and many other gems from the �70s and �80s Soft Rock era. Would love to see you all there.

Just because its soft doesn’t mean it can’t rock.

Long live Yacht Rock!

Holy shit, the soundtrack to the new cartoon flick Open Season just arrived in my mailbox, and except for a few tracks by the likes of Deathray(?), Pete Yorn and Talking Heads (“Wild Wild Life” of course!), every song on here — we’re talking eight — is by Paul Westerberg. I’m not even through the first one yet, and it’s ruling me. Now this is some kickass music for kids. 30 Minute Recess, take thou note.

That’s it from me, folks. Check with our pals at Sad Dog for more rock action. Don’t drive drunk, and if you see me anywhere, move your wallet to your front pocket. I’m kinda strapped for cash these days.