Hey, Speeders

Hey, you, idiots who feel the need to drive 60 mph on North Garfield Avenue between Englewood and North Vivion Road. Be warned: I’m building a potato gun. I plan a sustained mission to hole up on the roof of my house and snipe your cars as you barrel past as if my street were your private Kansas Speedway. Did you see the sign saying “SLOW — CHILDREN AT PLAY”? This is a quiet, residential neighborhood peppered with children. It’s also quite hilly, making it impossible to see everything that is in your immediate path, which includes my driveway. Maybe that’s the reason for the 25 mph speed limit, hmm? When one of you finally smears some child across the pavement, maybe the police will start paying attention. But since there is nary a speed trap in sight these days, me and my potato gun are in your near future.

Send anonymous confessions, congratulations or accusations to heyyou@pitch.com.

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