Hard Doggie Time

This summer, dogs across the metro were up in arms about the persecution of their pit bull comrades. Now they have something new to bark about. On April 6, a Lab mix named Muttsy was minding his own business while owner Richard Rostenberg grabbed a cup of joe at Muddy’s Coffeehouse. Muttsy was taking` cover from the treacherous weather when fire inspector Jim Carper ducked under the awning and startled the dog crap out of Muttsy. What else could Muttsy do but bite the hell out of Carper’s hand?

Kansas City animal control officers sentenced Muttsy to 10 days of house arrest. Rostenberg even talked of sending Muttsy to a doggie counselor. The Department of Burnt Ends got Muttsy’s exclusive take on what he learned in lockdown:

· Be sure to wear your studded collar; you won’t have to worry when you drop the soap.

· Bench-press the Sunday paper, and you’ll be 20 pounds meaner by Wednesday.

· Keep your friends close and the felines closer; they’ll scratch your back.

· Only three states allow conjugal visits, and Missouri ain’t one of them.

· Never snitch near the birdcage.

· Mark my words: The squirrels are conspiring to take down human civilization.

· Only canines who’ve served time have the street cred for a skull-and-dog-bone tattoo.

· Forget fire inspectors — Dr. Phil needs a bite in the ass.

· Rawhide chew toys are like money on the inside.