Haiku!
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and we weren’t the least bit sorry that we couldn’t travel both. Or couldn’t we? Rather than bludgeon you into submission by figuratively waxing poetic with our critical largesse, we decided to take the moral high road and literally wax poetic. To dissect albums of the not-so-distant past and the not-so-distant future from artists you know and either love or loathe — and from artists you probably have never heard of unless you’re the geek behind the record counter sighing as you explain to another vacant whippersnapper that P. Diddy did not, in fact, invent the remix. Aha! But we did. And it has made all the difference.
Swimmimg in the Mainstream
Lou Reed: The Raven
Mystery solved: Why
Quoth the raven, “Nevermore?”
He heardeth this joint
Nick Lachey: SoulO.
Oh, SoulO, heel-o,
De un boy band profundo
Damn, my wife’s a dolt
Russell Crowe: Other Ways of Speaking
Billy Bob Thornton: Edge of the World
Hey, esteemed actors:
Man, you ought not sing like ‘at
Just ask Bruce Willis
Liz Phair: Liz Phair
Windy Chicago,
One of your children has flown
‘Mid Sheryl Crow’s flock
Jewel: 0304
“Swish, gurgle, gurgle!”
Sound of Nemo finding dad?
Nope — Jewel’s career flushed
Metallica: St. Anger
Sober metalheads
Are “The Thing That Should Not Be”
(Well, that and Bob Rock)
Lisa Marie Presley: To Whom It May Concern
Girl, dad’s stillborn twin
Was more talented than you
Stick to divorcing
Kid Rock: Kid Rock
Hey, here’s an idea
Scream the chorus of any song!
Instant Kid Rock hit!
Peaches: Fatherfucker
Granny was so wrong
Peaches cannot be preserved
Can spoil in one year
Erasure: Other People’s Songs
Confucious say:
They who cannot make comeback
Record cover songs
Limp Bizkit: Results May Vary
Though this pick is like
Shooting fish in a barrel
I couldn’t resist
David Lee Roth: Diamond Dave
Now here’s a surprise
This record wasn’t so good
Diamond D shits coal
Whitney Houston: Just Whitney
Whitney, dear Whitney
You’ve become a Too Short song
Get your shit together
— St. Clair
Digging in the Underground
Leslie Mills: Different for Girls
While her voice is pure
sugar, she fails to inform:
What is different for girls?
Magellan: Impossible Figures
Finally, the church
music-arcade sounds hybrid
you’ve always wanted
Victory: Instinct
Stating “Looks pretty
good!” before a song doesn’t
mean it’s in fact good
Jason Ringenberg: A Day at the Farm with Farmer Jason
Because all kids need
music — not just the ones who
aren’t on acid
One Line Drawing: Visitor
I’ve only heard these
songs five times, but they’re still what
nostalgia sounds like
Motion City Soundtrack: I Am the Movie
They’re reading my mind
What is up with Will and Grace?
These guys freak me out
Michael Franks: The Art of Love
The Frasier theme song
meets elevator music —
does it get better?
Neal Morse: Testimony
God’s favorite things
are all here — hangovers, rock
and buzzing bee sounds
Divine Empire: Nostradamus
From first song to last
this album totally scares
the shit out of me
The Like Young: Looked Up (Plus Four)
Tracy Bonham sings
with a guy now? No, wait — this
is somebody else
Ted Nash: Still Evolved
It’s like when I played
the saxophone in high school,
only much better
Rage: Soundchaser
For music that’s meant
to be scary, its sound is
strangely uplifting
Carman: House of Praise
God’s good to Carman,
but the reverse isn’t true
— God deserves better
Brazen Abbot: Guilty as Sin
One life to live, but
Heaven’s just a kiss away
Bright-side kind of guys!
Holy Mother: Agoraphobia
Knocks on heaven’s door
while “Hungry for Exxstacy” —
will God let him in?
JS: Ice Cream
“Love angel” one song
Cheating love devil the next
Sure you want a scoop?
Adema: Unstable
He loves his child
Says no to dudes who abuse
This guy’s a keeper!
— Fite
