Goodbye, Royals!

It’s that time of year again, when the Royals fade into obscurity with the likes of the Tampa Bay Rays. Wait, the Rays are batting for first place this year? Well, OK, it’s that time of year when the Royals fade into obscurity alone, apparently. Now in last place, the boys in blue may become desperate to attract fans. So the Department of Burnt Ends offers up this prediction of the team’s future.

June 23

The Royals hope to distract fans from their losing record with increasingly desperate promo nights. Tonight: clothing-optional hot-tub party!

June 27

Facing rival St. Louis, the Royals bring in the Beach Boys for a concert with fireworks. Game to follow may or may not be played.

July 8

Desperate promos continue with “strip-poker baseball,” with Royals players dropping an article of clothing for every strikeout, error or run allowed. Tony Peña Jr. plays the ninth donning nothing but a chewing-tobacco wad.

July 21

Cross-promo with another losing team — Sprint — means the first 2,000 fans get phones with spotty service.

August 4

Trey Hillman blasts fans for not participating in group cheers, setting off balloons or performing other inspiring rituals he saw while managing in Japan.

August 22

Owner David Glass rejects trade offers for Mark Grudzielanek, confusing the veteran infielder for broken-down slugger Mike Sweeney.

August 27

Closer Joakim Soria takes side job as a Casey Affleck impersonator.

September 15

Bowing to pressure to hire Barry Bonds, the Royals employ a cardboard cutout of the steroid king. Drawing walks, the cutout’s on-base percentage becomes the team’s highest.