Good Morning, Starseeds

When the Strip checked out the address on East Gregory Boulevard, an old woman was walking by with her dog. The neighborhood seemed normal enough. However, the Strip knew that one of the inconspicuous houses was actually the Earth headquarters for an organization of alien races.

Called the Nibiruan Council, the organization is led by a lion man named Devin. A Kansas City woman, Jelaila Starr, has run the local office since 1997. Starr claims the intergalactic council sent her to our little blue orb as a messenger to free humanity from fear and prepare us for the end times in 2012.

Starr wrote the 1996 book We Are the Nibiruans: Return of the 12th Planet, which she dedicated to the memory of Joscelyn Kelley. Actually, Starr is Kelley; she claims she took over Kelley’s body after an abortion in 1992. The book is part biography, part sci-fi, part self-help and all confusing.

The Nibiruans’ plans for 2006 include using “new templates” to thwart negative future events — in particular, the destruction of Los Angeles and Phoenix by “scalar wave weapons in the hands of anti-American governments.”

This curious cutlet figured that because Starr was sent to Earth as a messenger, she’d want to spread her news. But when the Strip called her office, Starr wasn’t interested in talking because the Pitch isn’t “a new-age-type magazine.”

“It’s just not quite mainstream,” she said of her work.

When this meat patty told Starr it was chewing on her book, she advised the Strip to call back when we finished and maybe she’d talk. “I’m not going to close the door, but we kind of know where our business fits as far as we don’t want to get a bunch of negative publicity because it’s just not understood,” she said.

Starr’s “business” involves hosting workshops across the country, charging people hundreds of dollars to hear her talk about preparing for the end of the world or recoding their DNA. Two weekends ago, for example, she conducted “Countdown to 2012: The Final Shift of the Ages,” a workshop at a Holiday Inn in St. Augustine, Florida.

“With only six years to 2012, we are faced with much uncertainty as to what this prophesied ‘End Times’ and ‘Shift of the Ages’ will bring,” reads the conference flier. “Will we see our world destroyed by war and cataclysmic earth changes or will we see the beginning of a new world of peace? … Join Jelaila and discover the answers to these questions and much more.”

The answers cost $195. Starr charges $400 for a similar workshop March 31-April 2 in Novato, California.

Starr and her husband, Jonathan, charge $125 an hour for one-on-one counseling sessions to help “find your purpose, stellar origins and answers to relationship/health and love issues.”

Slogging through all 204 pages of Starr’s book, the Strip learned:

The Nibiruans are our parent race, and they left us the Bible.

Nibiru is actually a peacekeeping battle star four times the size of Earth and similar to “the Starship Enterprise, from your television show, Star Trek.”

Life is but a game fought between humans and reptiles. This reminded the Strip of the early-’80s sci-fi program V, in which reptiles disguised as humans invaded Earth. The show scared the bejesus out of us when we were just a calf sucking at our mama’s teat.

People have 12 strands of DNA, not just two. The other 10 are invisible.

Here’s the kicker: “Like the supposed crucifixion of Christ, the apple incident [Adam and Eve] never happened but was written in by the church fathers to impress upon mankind the idea of sin…. There is no sin! Jesus Christ was and still is, conveniently being used by the churches to control mankind.”

This sinning sizzler loved that one and dialed up Starr. But she still wouldn’t talk.

“You understand the reason that I’m reluctant to do this?” she asked before raising her voice. “Most people when they read it … it’s just way too far out there for them.”

Now, the Strip may be one skeptical sirloin, but it’s willing to listen to just about anything just for the hell of it. This slab of protein was all ears, but Starr just kept bitching about crank calls. “I don’t need that,” she said. “I put that book out. That’s what I’m supposed to do. I felt like that was my mission, but I don’t want to deal with the crazies who call me up and run their lines on me. I just don’t need that. I don’t need the harassment.

“It was a mission that I felt called to do,” she continued. “I’m still finishing it up, writing the second book. But after that, I’m done. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. That’s why I don’t want it to go to the mainstream public. They’re not ready for it.”

A couple of weeks later, the Strip received an e-mail advertising a free conference call with Starr, previewing her Countdown to 2012 workshops: “The call if [sic] for anyone interested in this information. So pass the word.”

The Strip signed up for the 90-minute global affair: Nebraskans, Germans, Californians, Brits, Missourians and Floridians joined in. A Californian named Howard mediated. He explained that he had spent five days in Kansas City at a workshop last fall and afterward knew the purpose of everyone and everything on Earth.

Starr never revealed what exactly would happen in 2012. (To hear all about that, you’d have to sign up for one of her workshops.) Instead, she talked about activating the inner technology encoded in DNA and using it to create safety for people and to help the planet by reaching a higher frequency or something. The Strip started dozing off.

The Strip did learn something very important, however. You know those people who walk around in human bodies but aren’t human? They’re starseeds.

“If you’re one of those whacked-out crazy people, then you’re probably a starseed,” Starr said. There are Internet quizzes people can take to see if they’re starseeds. Signs include: not feeling as though Earth is home; looking around and thinking, This is screwed up; seeing humans as a weird species.

For that, fellow starseeds, you can thank the Strip for saving you $195 in crisp Nibiruan bills.