Good Dog, Rocky

Here’s something you don’t hear about often: a civil servant who works long after retirement age.

But last week, the Kansas City, Missouri, Police Department announced the retirement of Rocky, a 10-1/2-year-old police dog that worked a year and a half longer than the standard K-9 retirement age. After Rocky’s departure, the KCPD was quick to list his sniffed-out accomplishments, including $127,000 in seized cash, 1,448 pounds of marijuana, 16 kilos of coke and 333 grams of meth.

Here at the Department of Burnt Ends, we submit notable moments in Rocky’s career that were ignored during his retirement announcement.

· Age six months: As a hapless puppy, Rocky watches as his mother’s water bowl is taken by a chow chow. Rocky vows to spend his life protecting the innocent — and when he comes across a chow chow, to kick the Purina out of it.

· Age 2: Rocky develops a talent for turning snitches with a unique combination of crotch sniffing and palm licking.

· Age 3: He may be an overachieving police dog, but Rocky is paired with a trainer who just can’t seem to get anything right. In the end, they always get their criminal. Rocky also gets a piece from that bitch down the street.

· Age 6: Rocky briefly rebels against the force and begins using some of his seized cocaine. His rebellious stage ends when he realizes that if he’s “all coked up,” he won’t get Snausages.

· Age 7: Rocky’s undercover stint among the Northland’s feral dogs turns up a black-market butcher-scraps trade as well as a serial cat killer. Rocky undergoes dog-pack deprogramming courses before rejoining the force.

· Age 9: Rocky gets a new sergeant, who threatens to pull Rocky’s badge every time he roughs up a suspect. Rocky outlasts the newcomer by planting drugs in his desk drawer.

· Age 10-1/2: After retiring, Rocky takes a security job at Oak Park Mall. As pimple-faced teens heckle him, Rocky spends his time recalling his days of “taking down scumbags.” Rocky learns that irony is cruel.