Getting Personal
Ah, Valentine’s Day — that one day a year when you can say, “Baby, the depth of my love for you can be shown with this diamond pendant from Zales.” Or, if you’re one of the unlucky ones, it’s that one day a year when the loneliness actually gets worse. That’s because finding love ain’t as easy as the movies make it seem. Hell, even rock stars have to turn to the Internet to get laid these days. A few forlorn rockers agreed to share with the Pitch what they look for in a mate.
“My name is Tyson Ritter. I enjoy a nice finishing wine, a large bed and a woman with a sexy split down her dress. I often scuba, juggle, polo and croquet. I need someone who’s on her toes and can funnel shots.” — Tyson Ritter (the All-American Rejects)
“I’m Shawn. I play in a band called the Matches. If you really are a cute girl and not an ex-trucker sitting in your skivvies, posing under the aegis of a scanned J.C. Penney underwear model and planning to rendezvous, beat me up and nick my wallet, that’s a plus. I like dark hair and long legs (but not in conjunction), Jolie lips, vegan is plus, and, uh, herpes simplex B is OK. Oral. Don’t trip — like, 70 percent of people have it. I have a Valtrex sponsorship and will hook you up.” — Shawn Harris (the Matches)
“I’m into hanging out at the Space Needle, blotter acid, burritos and fuckin’. I play guitar like a wild panther! I’m pretty skinny, but I’m currently trying to put on a few pounds. The reason I have such a hangup with authority is that I hate being told what to do by a bunch of fuckers.” — Steve E. Nix (the Briefs)
“I hit things with sticks, drink on the job, and I’m a bit tattooed. My name is Roy, I’m the drummer for Lucero, and I have my own army. I enjoy the in- and outdoors, audio experimentation, doing things that I haven’t done before, intending to read more than I do and drunken text messages. Seeking a sweet, hot, occasionally surly female logician who’s possibly a well-disguised vampire (18-38).” — Roy Berry (Lucero).
“SBM (single bloodless male) Tim Fite seeks kindhearted female hemophiliac for life-fulfilling symbiotic relationship. Must be generous, open minded, O-positive and willing to go on dates that cost less than a dollar.” — Tim Fite (songwriter)
“Hi, my name is Simi. I like long walks in the woods, help with my koi pond, boys who eat bacon, and guys that know how to rosin my bow. Must love soup.” — Simi Sernaker (Suffrajett)
“SPRD (single punk-rock dude) seeks leather-and-spikes counterpart. Hobbies include drinking, making old people and mall security guards nervous, and smashing the imperialistic state. I’m into tattered clothes, outrageous hair, obnoxious behavior and blaming the government for my lack of employment opportunities. If I sound like the guy for you, call 888-8889. But not after 10, cause my mom goes to bed kinda early.” — Tripp Underwood (the Unseen)
