Funkmobile Joyride

We knew that Mark Funkhouser was a man of the people back when, as city auditor, he sent his kids to KCMO public schools. But then the new mayor announced that he planned to drive his ’97 Toyota instead of the Lincoln that outgoing Mayor Kay Barnes had leased for him. Stretch, that’s blue-collar.

We tried to imagine a ride in the Funkmobile, circa summer 2007.

Funkhouser: Get in and close the damn door. The AC’s on.

Steve Jobs: Well, thanks for picking me up at the airport, I guess. What are these seat covers made of?

Funkhouser: I stapled together a bunch of leftover paper. No waste in this administration. Most of it is requests from developers who want TIF money.

[Funkhouser pulls up to curb and rolls down his window.]

Funkhouser: Get in. Muy rapido.

Jobs: What are these people doing in your car?

Funkhouser: These are the Garcias. Everybody is required to carpool now.

Juan Garcia: I want to thank you for getting my brother a job, Mr. Mayor.

Funkhouser: No problem. We needed a new director of utilities. I hope he doesn’t mind minimum wage.

Juan Garcia: He’s the only one in my family with health insurance.

Funkhouser: Hold on, I’m getting a call. [Funkhouser takes a brick-sized phone out of his jacket.]

Jobs: How old is that cell phone?

Funkhouser: It was made in 1986. We got them at a discount. [Speaks into phone.] Go. What? Hold on, I’ll put you on speaker.

Warren Buffett: I said I want to talk about relocating to Kansas City.

Funkhouser: You and everybody else, Buffet. Seems everybody’s pretty impressed with our new pothole brigade.

Buffett: I hear you drive an old car. Did you know I drove an old car, too? I auctioned it off last year.

Funkhouser: What kind of car was it?

Buffett: A 2001 Lincoln Town Car.

Funkhouser: Oh, Christ. And I heard you were a tightwad.

Jobs: Excuse me, but what is that building we just passed?

Funkhouser: Don’t get me started. That’s the Liberty Memorial on the right. And on the left, that’s Union Station. You know how much money we’ve sunk into those two boondoggles?

Jobs: Is that my hotel up ahead, the Westin?

Funkhouser: [Laughter shakes rearview mirror off the windshield.] What do you think this is, Cleveland? I’m taking you to the Admiral-Paseo Motel. Got you down for the $29 room.

Buffett: Hey there, Jobs. What do you think of Kansas City?

Jobs: Things seem a bit, well, stingy. But I’ll tell you one thing: These streets sure are smooth.