From baby Ebert to survivalist sheep: Studies in Crap’s first terrible coloring book round up

Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

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Helping With Bike Safety

Author/Illustrator: Betsey Douglas MacDonald

Date: None given, presumably the ’90s

Publisher: American Academy of Pediatrics

The Cover Promises: Bicycle fun with baby Ebert! Or is it Lil’ Cynthia Ozick?

There are some topics pediatricians can be relied upon to know, like the best way to prick a kid with a needle or how to find a good deal on fluffy-cloud wallpaper. But one thing they must never again be trusted with is the production of coloring books about bike safety.

Take a look at that cover: young Michael Moore toodling along on his Huffy, decked out in some suspenders, loafers and khaki skort combo, looking for all the world like he’s headed to an Oktoberfest party for employees of Blockbuster Video! And his helmet — is that a rolled-up tube-sock?

That’s not even mentioning the mystery of where his seat went.