Fortune Hunters

Nostradamus was a chump. Sure, he predicted the rise of the Nazis and the fall of mankind. But what has he done for us lately? Bubkus. And as the future gets darker by the minute — killer tsunamis, rampant warfare, the cancellation of Method & Red — we need new prophets to lead us into the abyss. So keep your crystal ball; we have our Krystle ball. No need for the oracle of Delphi when you have the Occultus of Descension. So pay attention as these local musicians offer their bold predictions for 2005. Your life depends on it.

Jason Spinelli (bassist, Mass Street Murder)

— Mass Street Murder is poisoned with dioxin, wins the Ukraine presidency.

— Vegans discover that tofu is actually meat. Mass suicides ensue. Carnivores build a giant grill to set over Arrowhead Stadium and celebrate with a grand barbecue.

— Scholars discover that anal fisting is actually condoned and encouraged in the Bible.

— Canada gets sick of America’s shit and invades. Bryan Adams is made dictator for life of the new United Canadian Empire. “Cuts Like a Knife” becomes the new national anthem.

Chuck Whittington (multi-instrumentalist, Namelessnumberheadman)

— The New Amsterdams tour Europe, decide to move to Amsterdam.

— New Times is bought by New New Times and changes the name of the Pitch back to Pitch Weekly.

— The Flaming Lips do not finish their Christmas on Mars project.

— Celebrity crossovers: Scarlett Johansson releases an autoharp-laden folk-pop album. Norah Jones stars in an ABC sitcom called Don’t Know Why. Jude Law releases a unisex cologne called “unLawful.”

Mercury Mad (singer, Vibralux)

— Inspired by the Iraq war, a fully symmetrical “helmet” is the next ironic hair style. Bumper stickers that read “God Bless the Get Up Kids: They’re Darn Tootin” will replace brown stripes.

— Household bleach is found to cure AIDS. Bleach is banned in Missouri and Kansas.

— Truth is compressed into bumper stickers. The most popular: “My Wrestler Son Will Kick Your Honor Student’s Ass” and “God Bless the Get Up Kids: They’re Darn Tootin!”

Krystle Warren (singer-songwriter).

— The world will end as we know it. I’m serious. The shit’s about to hit the fan.

— I’ll end up in another serious commitment. I can smell it. It smells like boo boo.

— After my breakup, I’ll begin a long, torrid affair with my therapist.

— Kansas City will support its artists or lose them to the coasts.

Astoroth Occultus (head demon, Descension)

— [Rock promoter] Jim Kilroy branches out with “Jim Kilroy Presents: Phantom of the Opera.”

— Nathan Dinsdale actually makes it to a Descension show, where he is showered in blood, forced to fondle a nekkid [sic] nun’s breasts and converted into a demon. (Editor’s note: I’m there.)

— Loey Lockerby — film reviewer of The Kansas City Star — continues to suck ass. I mean, the woman hated Bubba Ho Tep. She can rot.

— The four remaining live music venues lose their balls and give in to the DJ thing. We’re forced to play in the street for quarters.

John Bersuch (multi-instrumentalist, Minds Under Cover, and magazine editor, Dandercroft Magazine)

— A new rapper named Tech 8 launches a full-scale assault on the hip-hop industry.

Dandercroft Magazine becomes an upbeat religious publication for West Bottom prostitutes, alcoholic sperm donors and tree-trimming extroverts with a pale view of the distant future.

— Soup spoons are declared too small. The government passes out bigger spoons to every family.

— N.W.A. reunites and records “Just Don’t Bite It, Part 3” (one can only pray).

— U2 builds its own city on the moon, releases an album called Our City of Beauty and Anal Sex.

Dave Johnson (songwriter, Everybody’s X)

— Club Wars takes on a whole new meaning when 47 disillusioned bands attack Kilroy with sticks.

— Goth kids from Blue Springs infiltrate the intelligence community.

— Ashcroft comes out.

— With no more live music venues in Independence, police solve the meth problem.

— Raytown is still made fun of on a national level.

— “Phonies” coin a new term of affection, the “PKFs” (Portly Kiss Fans), Pitch editor still doesn’t get it. (Editor’s note: Does too.)

Jonathan Ramsey (singer-songwriter)

— National attention focuses on Kansas City’s music scene. Coffee-table books and compilation CDs abound. Resurgence is led by fledgling supergroup the Cabinetmen, fronted by John Ashcroft with newly resigned Donald Rumsfeld on keys for the summer Ozzfest tour.

— Tech N9ne joins the Elders on Irish tour. Jonathan Ramsey helps out on mandolin and turntables.

— The Kansas City Roller Warriors League is the catalyst for a new 20,000-seat downtown arena project.

— Sprint-Nextel campus buildings, suffering from disuse, become popular rave venues.

Local hip-hop acts form like Vultron for the Minor Mix-Up showcase on January 8 at El Torreon.

Ballot casters unite for the Heavy Frequency local music awards until January 21 at

Advance warning: The Golden Republic is set to release self-titled Astralwerks debut on February 1.

Categories: Music