Final Fantasy

Behold, ye underachieving, Internet-surfing cubicle dwellers of corporate America: Your next great workplace distraction awaits. For I have invented it: Fantasy Rock Stars.

Fantasy Rock Stars aims to combine two of modern society’s most debilitating obsessions — celebrity worship and fantasy sports — into one fabulous national pastime. For the uninitiated, the latter involves rounding up eight to twelve of your nerdiest friends and “drafting” individual players — be the sport baseball, football, basketball or, for irony aficionados, NASCAR driving — until you have a virtual “team.”

After naming said team something amusing (such as 2 Live Croutons), you then receive points each week based on the stats those players accrue. You also robustly question your opponents’ masculinity — for it is invariably masculinity — on Web message boards.

In Fantasy Rock Stars, instead of touchdowns or home runs, your drafted team of divas, punks and indie-rock sacred cows racks up points for boneheaded press quotes, sex scandals, unseemly cover songs, violent altercations and onstage mental breakdowns.

Below is a rough scoring system. Consider it a work in progress designed to halt progress on your actual work, you Sex in the City-watching douche bag.

Divas (Britney, Beyoncé, X-tina, Janet, Avril)

Oversexed magazine cover (10 points)

Subsequent disgust over exploitative nature of oversexed magazine cover (20)

Tryst with backup dancer (50)

Drastic new hairstyle (5)

Ludicrously knuckleheaded political statement (15)

Really bad movie (35)

Breast-augmentation rumor (90)

Publication of obviously ghostwritten novel or memoir (40)

Stalker convicted (20)

Oprah appearance (-15)

Neptunes collaboration (-55)

That-chick-from-4-Non-Blondes collaboration (-60)

“Wardrobe malfunction” (8,000)

Deified, Largely Inactive Old Bands (Led Zeppelin, the Pixies, Joy Division, Gang of Four, the Ramones)

Threaten to reunite (20 points)

Reunite (100)

Appear in public weighing three times what it did in 1985 (-50)

Member dies (50)

Cash-grab “new” CD or DVD boxed set (35)

Car commercial (75)

Obvious ripoff by hot new band (15)

Terrible tribute album released (30)

Terrible side project released (40)

Hot actress publicly wears old tour T-shirt (25)

Publication of tell-all biography (10)

Rock-critic lamentation that “There will never be another ______ ” (5)

Sampled by underground hip-hop dudes (55)

Rap Kingpins (50 Cent, Nas, Lil Jon, Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg)

Shot (20 points)

Shoots (40)

Debuts clothing line (-15)

Instigates corny feud (25)

Sucks up to Suge Knight (1)

Disses Suge Knight (5)

Killed by Suge Knight (12,000)

Changes name or persona — e.g., “The MF Doom” (10)

“Retires” (50)

Criticized by Bill Cosby, presidential candidate or religious leader (75)

Releases duet with new girlfriend (15)

Lousy part in action movie (-25)

Hot new track that is clearly an ad (“Pass the Courvoisier”) (-250)

Rock Gods (Springsteen, Thom Yorke, Bono, Jack White, dude from Coldplay, Dave Matthews, Eddie Vedder)

Pontificates at high-profile benefit concert (10 points)

Scores cover of Time or Newsweek (100)

Sexuality openly questioned (5)

Sudden political consciousness (35)

Lauded for saving rock, hip-hop, the children or the world (25)

Disses George W. Bush (1)

Abrupt conversion to Scientology (175)

Assumes Jesus Christ pose (50)

Has song in shitty romantic comedy (-50)

Names kid “Apple” (-600)

Wimpy-Ass Singer-Songwriters (Ryan Adams, Conor Oberst, John Mayer, modern-day Beck)

Overdose (100 points)

Writer’s block (10)

Reverse writer’s block (more than two albums in a year) (20)

Dating actress (35)

Dating Winona (75)

Embarrassing appearance on The O.C. or similar teenage melodrama (30)

Dies romantically (200)

Photographed shirtless (5)

Trashes hotel room (ironic) (-100)

Trashes hotel room (sincere) (1,000)

Compared in print to Nick Drake (5), Jeff Buckley (15), Elliott Smith (20), Gram Parsons (30), Elvis Costello (40), Bob Dylan (50)

Boy Band Outcasts (Nick Lachey, Lance Bass, J.C. Chasez, Ricky Martin, O-Town [all of ’em], NKOTB [all of ’em except Donnie])

Marries (5 points)

Divorces (90)

Awful solo album (10)

Reality-TV appearance (60)

Minuscule film role (20)

Opens restaurant (30)

Public arrest for alcohol (5), drugs (30), violence (65), indecent exposure (150)

Shot into space (2,000)

Young Punks (New Found Glory, Sum 41, Blink-182, the Ataris, Something Corporate, MXPX, Thursday, Thrice)

Horrible cover song (10 points)

Lyrical reference to band popular before singer was born (60)

Contrived “bratty” behavior (2.5)

Releases entire album about singer’s ex-girlfriend or boyfriend (20)

Publicly admired by old-guard punk rockers (40)

Publicly insulted by old-guard punk rockers (80)

Plays Warped Tour (0.0025)

Describes material for next album as “harder” (10), “bluesier” (20), “more psychedelic” (40), “acoustic” (80), “experimental” (-50), “electronic” (100), “crunk” (50,000).

Categories: Music