Dicking Around

When we first heard about NV’s Wet Underwear Contest, we thought: Finally — equal opportunity in the wet-garment contest genre!

Despite the fact that seeing peni wasn’t much of a turn-on for us (there’s a reason Playgirl didn’t catch on with the female demographic), this event sounded so sordidly terrific that we had to check it out. As an added bonus, the contest was on the Sunday before Labor Day — hey, lushing it up that night is mandatory. So off we went with Research Assistant Cece.

We got to NV around 10, and a lively, good-sized crowd kept filtering in. Many were drawn in by the contest, but the bar’s beer bust and free grilled food (hot dogs — how apropos) helped as well. We were excited to see NV’s newish rooftop deck for the first time, too. And a fine deck it was, a woodtastic perch that offered excellent views of the City Market and the bustling parking lot next to Grand Slam Liquors.

While on deck, we spotted a shirtless guy in jean shorts (aka “jorts,” as immortalized by that great “Real Men of Genius” Bud Light radio commercial). He was standing alone at the bar, weirdly illuminated by three frozen-drink machines churning their blue, red and pink concoctions. Naturally, we had to talk to him.

Tad’r Chip, 37 (that’s his nickname, he said; before that, he was called Tad’r Salad, which came from Jeff Foxworthy), was a KC native on his first trip to NV. We asked if he planned to enter the contest.

“That depends,” he said.

“On what?” we asked.

“On if they hand out underwear,” he replied. “Right now, I’m freeballing it.” Tee hee — skin to win, baby!

Mr. Chip told us that he’s entered about five or six such contests before (and has been the first runner-up two or three of those times), so we asked for a quick rundown on what usually happens. His response: You get up in front of everyone, and someone pours a pitcher of warm water on your crotch.

That’s straightforward enough. We asked if he had a strategy to win. He admitted he didn’t have one, other than to have some fun with it. But then he thought of something else. “I have my cock ring on,” he said.

“Ah! Well, is it also better to be a bit firm, or is the size of the package more important?” we asked.

“Probably having a big package,” he said. “But it seems that it’s more a popularity contest.”

We wished him luck and moved on. By this time it was after midnight; the contest was supposed to have started around 11. The deck periodically cleared as waves of customers descended into the video bar to hang out. Rumors of whether the contest would even take place ran rampant. We spotted three spray bottles (which, we were told, contained cold water — news that was troubling to the contestants) and took hope in that.

All we could do was wait it out, so we tracked down another contestant, Dan, 22, who was talking with his friend Chris, 24. They met through Hotornot.com. (No, they did not rate each other.) Dan was wearing an orange T-shirt that proclaimed “Everything’s Bigger in Texas.” We were breathlessly waiting to see whether that was true when he stripped down.

Again, we asked about strategy.

“I wore a white thong,” he said.

“His strategy is to get laid,” Chris added. Always a good goal, we thought.

Then Dan, who was also a veteran of wet-underwear contests, dropped a bombshell about NV’s previous competition.

“The last one was rigged,” he claimed. Gasp! “The judge told me afterwards, ‘You would have won if you worked here.'” Dan said that this contest (with its $100 prize) would be judged by audience applause, though, which seemed fair enough.

We wandered around some more and ran into Tad’r Chip again. Sadly, he found out that he couldn’t enter; bar staffers didn’t have any extra underwear to hand out. “They said that usually everyone has either boxers or briefs on,” he told us. His chips were certainly down that night.

But Tad’r Chip was hanging out with some new friends, who had other aspirations for him.

“We need to find Tad’r Chip a man who likes oral,” said Andrea, 24.

“Oral and not anal,” added her friend Jay, 23.

“I’m serious,” Andrea said. “I’m a little match fairy.” She and Jay used to work together and have been friends for two years. We loved them; they seemed like they’d be a lot of fun to hang out with. We asked what bars they frequented, and that led to a burst of effusiveness from both of them.

Jay: “We’re at clubs all the time. We act a hot mess!”

Andrea: “Yes, we do.”

Then she told us that she’s done the hooker dance and gotten free liquor out of it.

We asked her to demonstrate. “I’m not drunk enough,” she responded. “When they say free liquor, you show your ass, do stripper moves with a guy, a pole, a chair. And, since I got a lot of fat, it jiggles everywhere!”

How fantastic is she?

We were having such a great time talking to them that we didn’t notice the time slipping by. Pretty soon, it was last call. Hmmph. Apparently the contest was not happening that night, due to a number of factors (lack of contestants, the organizer having to leave suddenly). Oh, well. That was quite a cockamamie end to the holiday weekend.