Diary of a Madwoman: Gloria Squitiro’s tell-all diary indexed

The publishing event of the season in Kansas City has never seen official publication. We refer, of course, to It All Started When I Was Born, the fiery, ribald journal maintained by Funkhouser-keeper Gloria Squitiro from July of 2008 to January of 2009. While the 35-page diary has been debated and giggled over ever since it first turned up on KSHB’s Web site last week, Squitiro’s musings, apparently intended for a book, are not yet what any publisher might consider reader-friendly. In fact, they’re a chore to get through. That’s why your friends at The Pitch have done Kansas City the service of indexing Squitiro’s choicest thoughts. Just skip right to the mayor’s wife’s thoughts about those fucking wasps.

These were turbulent months for the Funkhouser administration. Ruth Bates’ EEOC sate alleging Squitiro’s reckless use of the word mammy steamrolled ahead, the City Council passed its infamous volunteer ordinance to boot full-time volunteer Squitiro from the mayor’s office, and bad feelings persisted from Funkhouser’s refusal to call for the resignation of Minuteman parks czar Frances Semler.

Names to know in the index: Council members Ed Ford, Beth Gottstein, Cathy Jolly, Jan Marcason and John Sharp; Funkhouser staffers (and former Pitch writers) Kendrick Blackwood and Joe Miller; doctor and Native American healer Lewis Mehl-Madrona; Gone Mild blogger Dan Ryan; dog-park hating parks board member Aggie Stackhaus; and adulterous former attorney general Paul Morrison.

For brevity’s sake, Funkhouser is identified as M.F.; Squitiro is G.S.

Assholes

M.F.’s desire to be accepted by . . . 4

Bates, Ruth

wanted to start something; has started it . . . 5

advised in tough-talking private diary that G.S. and lawyer are coming to get her . . . 5

accused of blackmail . . . 8

settled with for $35,000 . . . 25

denounced in “gutsy” press release signed by mayor but written by G.S. and Kendrick Blackwood . . . 26-27

reads press release, collapses, squeals like stuck pig, calls off settlement, demands hundreds of thousands of dollars from city. . . 28

Blackwood, Kendrick

suffers after-the-fact cold feet regarding press release that made Bates squeal like pig . . . 28

Brooks, Alvin

name chanted by belligerent, fist-raising 11-year-old supporters long after election . . . 3

City Council

puke-inducing hypocrisy of female members of . . . 1

as forces of evil . . . 16

appears foolish, petty, vindicative . . . 20

Cleaver, Emmanuel

pretends not to see M.F. at grocery store . . .5

Ford, Ed

advises people of Weatherby Lake to screw themselves . . . 8

inability to operate a telephone . . . 10

Fucking wasps

refuse to die in cabin . . . 29

Funkhouser, Mark

obliviousness of . . . 4

inability to move ass at Squitiro-approved rate . . . 1

gives wife a “dear-in-the-headlights” look . . . 4

assists G.S. in formulation of insults aimed at himself . . . 13

argues with G.S. for 90 minutes over her being “squeezed out” of office she is already legally barred from . . . 18

ruins wedding anniversary by attending five-minute meeting . . . 1

promises G.S. that, together, they will “fuck them all” . . . 19

smashes head against wall at stupidity of it all . . . 22

Gottstein, Beth

leaks G.S. voice-mail to “vicious blogger” . . . 8

supposes that G.S. might have been lobotomized . . . 3

Injustices

G.S.’s last name mispronounced at NAAACP dinner . . . 18

at firefighter’s dinner, G.S. not offered place at head table with husband . . .3

G.S. must waste gas driving to pick up mayor, who waits on curb for her . . . 3

chief-of-staff Kendrick Blackwood prefers to speak to mayor directly. . . 17

Jolly, Cathy

pretends to work . . . 2

Kansas City

crazy-assedness of . . . 23

is aware of G.S.’s run-in with fucking meter-maid . . . 17

is compared to a body recovering from Lyme disease . . . 7

through targeted prayer will come to see true heart of G.S., M.F. . . . 6

is backward, podunk . . . 14

Kansas City Infrastructure

M.F.’s friggin car out of alignment after hitting pothole . . . 19

Kansas City Star, The

referred to as the “rag” . . . 8, 20-23

ignorance of “bounds of immorality” of . . . 1

columnist DeAnn Smith aims to destroy good M.F. does for city . . . 20

KMBZ

pettiness of inspires G.S. to give scoop to rival station . . . 20

Loose Park

walked, fussed in . . . 4

Marcason, Jan

phoniness of . . . 7

is despised with boundless vigor, energy . . . 9

Kay Barnes-like relationship with developers . . . 16

Mehl-Madrona, Lewis

effeminacy of . . . 9

is strange little man . . . 10

Miller, Joe

selfishnes of . . . 20

fears G.S. will pen book before he does . . . 24

abandonment issues of . . . 29

Morrison, Paul

sex scandal of demonstrates hypocrisy of media that would attack a committed relationship . . . 22

NAACP

boringness of . . . 18

Nazis

similarity to nurse at unidentified area hospital . . . 2

Obama, Michelle

likelihood of being told by Kansas City city council to “sit down and shut up” upon election of her husband . . . 1

Office gossip

“The Rag” alleges mayor’s office staff bothered by G.S’s presence, meddling. . . .8

Office rules

G.S. angry that Councilman Bill Skaggs dares to enter mayor’s office without her approval . . . 10

The Pitch

raciness of should inspire outrage . . . 33

editor’s similarity to puppy removed too young from tit . . . 33

PMS

presents risk to M.F.’s life. . . 14

political consults

symbol of all that’s wrong in politics met with publicly by G.S. and M.F. as symbol of political seriousness . . . 17

Regular Folks

vindicate M.F. and G.S. with unsolicited encouragement . . . 1, 3, 13, 15, 17

detested by other politicians . . . 16

are exemplified by M.F. and G.S., which inspires the Council’s hatred . . . 16

Ryan, Dan

“pulverizes” G.S. by suggesting she stay home and not pick fights with airport cops . . . 31

Sharp, John

sexism of . . . 10

shit

tendency to fill up a hand more rapidly than wishes will . . . 17

Snubs

Cathy Jolly refuses to greet G.S. in office . . . 2

G.S. offers icy “hello” to Jolly . . . 3

G.S. rebuffs wink, touching of councilman Skaggs . . . 19

Aggie Stackhaus fails to announce to city that G.S. and M.F. have never acted racist at Christmas parties . . . 30

Spirit of a teenager

witnessed by G.S. in cabin . . . 29

Squitiro, Gloria

inconveniences suffered as an unelected volunteer representative of entrenched sexism in politics . . . 4

honored as most well-known name in birthing movement . . . 6

is a chicken-shit with attitude . . . 32

is made to look crazy for requesting sandwich delivery . . . 16

mysterious powers of, as witnessed by mother’s hospital roommate . . . 7

stares motherfuckers down . . . 18

has hit M.F. many times in tprevious 18 months . . . 32

whisper-screams that she has been fucked up the ass . . . 23

surprised by anger, viciousness of people . . . 10

Woman at Garage Sale

advises G.S. to pray, listen to God, and “let this go” . . . 15

is a stupid bitch . . . 15

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Photo illustration by Zachary Trover

Categories: News, Politics