Derrty Deeds
Last month, St. Louis’s favorite rapper, Nelly, inked a deal to star in his very own reality series. The show’s storyboard is being kept under tight wraps, but the Pitch recently obtained a copy of the pilot episode, complete with minute-by-minute accounts of the megastar’s fascinating life. Synopses of a few of the more exciting scenes follow.
11:32 a.m. Nelly wakes up groggy after staying up until 5 a.m. discussing upcoming collaboration project with Barry Manilow. Reaches for can of Pimp Juice.
12:52-1:13 p.m. Flips through dictionary looking for words that could use a good erre up in thurr. Comes up with debonerre, underwerre, vinegerre.
1:50 p.m. Finishes daily primping by applying superficial facial Band-Aid.
1:55-1:57 p.m. Realizes Band-Aid looks incredibly stupid. Reapplies in more stylish fashion.
2:15-2:19 p.m. Calls Ashanti on cell phone. Asks if she’s still his “boo.” Receives inconclusive answer: “Baby, baby, baby … baaabbby.”
3:00-3:40 p.m. Attends meeting with the board of directors for his wildly successful brand of women’s hip-hop apparel, Apple Bottoms. Proposes introducing a line of men’s bikini briefs, to be called “Fruit Basketz.”
4:15-5:50 p.m. Reads through script for his upcoming role in a remake of the 2004 film You Got Served. Wonders aloud whether anyone can possibly improve upon J-Boog’s interpretation of savvy street dancer Rico.
6:03-7:20 p.m. Feeling unsure of himself, calls members of St. Lunatics. Asks if they want to get the group back together. Laughs ass off.
7:30 p.m. Realizes he’s running late for a charity event to benefit disabled children.
7:30-8:29 p.m. Parks his ass on living room couch. Stares at clock for 59 minutes.
8:34 p.m. Hops in diamond-encrusted Bling Mobile for the 80-second commute from his manse in West, West Buttfuck, Missouri, to downtown St. Louis.
10:05-10:08 p.m.
Arrives in hotel ballroom, where benefit ended 45 minutes prior. Performs acoustic version of “Hot in Herre” for three paraplegic grade-schoolers whose rides have yet to pick them up.
10:15-11:30 p.m. High on philanthropic juju, cruises over to Perkins for a celebratory Caesar salad (hold the lettuce, extra croutons).
11:35 p.m. Exhausted from a hard day’s work, steers the Bling Mobile onto the interstate and heads home for some much needed Z’s. Tomorrow is another action-packed day, beginning when Nelly must decide which Cardinals jersey to wear: Pujols or Sanders? Stay tuned.
