Deadly Briefs: Eventually, we are all going to die.


There’s nothing funny about the creepy outbreak of brain tumors in Cameron, Missouri or, really, any news story that makes me push back my plate of vegetarian enchiladas and speculate about the inevitability of my own death. %{[ data-embed-type=”image” data-embed-id=”57150c4b89121ca96b961e04″ data-embed-element=”aside” ]}%According to the audio version of Physics for Dummies, the poopy second law of thermodynamics pretty much guarantees that all systems, including the organic chemistry that makes up your heart valves and lungs and whatnot, will eventually explode and kill you, probably taking out bystanders and emergency first-responders in the process. Messy, bloody death rumination usually happens when my emotional shields are down, late at night, after a few shots of Kessler whiskey and a couple of vicodin tabs. I look at myself in the mirror and think, Someday, I will get old, and walk around the park wearing shoes with velcro straps, stabbing at the two large buttons on my Jitterbug phone with an arthritic finger. Just like Larry King.

The fact that KMBC Channel 9 broke and continues to cover the Cameron story doesn’t exactly help me recover my mortality-ignoring joie de vivre, what with the death’s-head anchorage of soft, pillowy Larry Moore. I’m sorry for lapsing into French, but the fact that someday this sad old world will have to find a way to carry on after I’ve died kind of chokes me up with worldly, accordion-playing European ennui. After the jump, a look at the horrible inevitability of death through the obstinately perky lens of local television news coverage. Click here, or click on this four-meat Tombstone pizza: The frozen pizza that reminds you that someday your name will be on a tombstone.

Categories: News