Date My G

Introducing tonight’s bachelors, in no particular order. One is a don in the Puerto Rican Costa Nostra. The second is a one-time trap star who likes to call himself “The Snowman.” Our final bachelor is proud of his resemblance to his daddy and always rolls with cash money.

Why should I go out with you?

No. 1: Psychopathic wordplay, schizophrenic flow/I guess it’s safe to say I got schizophrenic dough.

No. 2: I’m a pimp, not a simp/Like ice in my drink/And I don’t think twice or blink/’cuz I’m focused rollin’ in the whitest mink/Like I’m a polar bear/Let down my hair/Get jazzy on a bitch like Fred Astaire.

No. 3: My life’s legendary/If I wrote down all in a book, it would be very scary/What you know, 16 Beemers and Benzes/Rope chain down to my dick/The beef looks tremendous.

What would an evening with you be like?

No. 1: Put the pound game on her, hit her from the back/I’m young and thuggin’, I don’t give a fuck/He can make love to you, I’m-a beat it up.

No. 2: Toss ya like a fruit salad, strawberry-grape ya/They ball when they can and I’m ballin’ by nature.

No. 3: Net worth put the tool in the skirt/Which you fools know about getting’ head in reverse/About clockin’ grips, and coppin’ whips?

What’s your biggest fault?

No. 1: Run through a hundred grand watching Matlock.

No. 2: I’m so vain, it’s a problem/It ain’t a stain on these Pradas/I’m just bein’ modest.

No. 3: Splash your lungs right in front of your kids/I’m a basket case/Don’t ever give this bastard space/Or I’m-a have your ass erased.

What kind of life would you offer me?

No. 1: Eat at Spun dinners four times a week/Bucket of crab legs/Slick had the lobsters/ I’m the real deal these other niggaz imposters.

No. 2: I can take that dirt and turn that shit glitter/I leave the work wit’ her, yeah, she my baby sitter/And if I find out she stealin’ for realer, I’m-a kill her.

No. 3: Rollin’ with me could only get you fast cars and/Fuck-mad bitches and dine amongst the stars/But we gettin’ mad chav in the life we live/MTV’s comin’ over just to feel my crib.

What’s your philosophy on life?

No. 1: A hard head make a soft ass/And hard white it gets you straight cash.

No. 2: Money, money, money is my intuition/Money over bitches/Such an easy decision.

No. 3: Hustlin’ is the key to success/Money is the key to sex/The life is gettin’ cash, drinkin’ mo’, gettin’ blessed.

Which did you choose? No. 1, Young Jeezy; No. 2, Lil’ Wayne; or No. 3, Fat Joe?

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