Daily Briefs: Your spendjamins and you

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HEY HEY, HO HO, PROGRESSIVE TAX RATES REPRESENTING AN EQUITABLE DISTRIBUTION EFFECT HAVE GOT TO GO! Look. I know that in an ideal realm consisting of nothing but perfect expressions of Pi, Roman statuary and isosceles triangles, there are no taxes. I wish I lived there. But I wanted to address the following circumstance: There’s been a lot of toilet talk recently at the expense of decent, hardworking, tri-cornered-hat-wearing Americans about “tea-bagging.” I don’t want to seem like a snotty 13-year-old girl, but that’s soooo mature, you guys. Let the dynamically-generated electronic record show that Daily Briefs not only didn’t engage in any tea-bagging humor (my mom and dad read this), the sparsely attended protests weren’t even on my radar — I don’t want to seem like a special snowflake, but I made so little money last year that the government gave all my taxes back. THANKS, GOVERNMENT!

So while you — or, based on what I saw of the crowd at Liberty Memorial, your elderly relatives — were protesting some non-existent tax hikes that won’t actually be happening on behalf of a group of rich, right-wing, private-jet-owning Rockefellers who endow an astroturfing organization called FreedomWorks, I was out comparing vibrating chairs that connect to my Xbox 360. My girlfriend says that I look WAAY cooler than these guys when I’m playing Half-Life:

I guess these guys spent their tax refund checks on “suburban stepdad” jeans and douchey frat-boy footwear. But as long as that money is making its way through the economy back to the Chinese port-towns that load all the shipping containers on cargo ships the size of California school districts, I think we’ll all be OK.

Carry on, my wayward economy: The economic crisis is over. Or, to put it in the celebratory language of drunken Mardi Gras revelry, WHOO-OOO, THE ECONOMIC CRISIS IS OVER, SHOW ME YOUR TITS, WHOO-OOO! The Federal Reserve Bank says the regional economy is great! Or at least stable. WHOO-OOO! THE REGIONAL ECONOMY IS STABLE! Chad and Derek could not be happier about the impending expansions of their douchey and ill-considered wardrobes:

Now that the crisis is over, I’d like to thank economics for all the money. None of this would have been possible without the spendjamins, you guys. The Fed points out that consumer spending and manufacturing activity fell “at a slower pace.” Guess who’s excited about that? The new symbols of the everyman/proletariat/subaltern, Chad and Derek:

HAHA. I just noticed that Chad and Derek seem to be enjoying glasses of Sunny-D. We’re all Chad and Derek, now, you guys.