Daily Briefs: Your camel racing news source since January 2008

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By CHRIS PACKHAM

There’s probably no quicker way to impress a woman than to casually mention your thriving scrap-metal-selling business, followed by, “Now let me get you another Bud Lite Lime… lovely lady.” My new policy of addressing every woman who crosses my path as “lovely lady,” in the impossibly smooth Source Awards announcer voice that I practice while I’m showering, has not yet resulted in the sexy dividends you might imagine.

Across the country, stripping public infrastructure and selling it for two or three bucks a pound has become a lucrative industry that — attention, prospective employers — involves way more work than I’m ever going to do in my entire life. Scrap-metal thieves, I salute you. And it’s not just laziness, people; it’s my sexy, powerful genes. To paraphrase Darth Vader, “The biological imperative to conserve energy is strong in this one.”

In America’s Philadelphia, as seen in Tom Hanks’ Philadelphia and Michael Paré’s The Philadelphia Experiment, thieves have stolen so many manhole covers, which can net $5 to $10 from scrap-metal dealers, that the problem made the front page of The New York Times. According to the New York Times Eyewitness News of Kansas City — KCTV Channel 5 — area thieves are now targeting fire hydrants. How is it possible for a scrap metal dealer to accept an obviously stolen fire hydrant without doing an elaborate Sgt. Schultz impression? I guess it’s lucky for MoDot that it’s so difficult to balance a 200-pound, trench-spanning steel plate on top of a stolen grocery cart.

After the jump, the end of a Kansas City gambling institution, and a bold new direction for political rhetoric. Click here, or on this photo of me, offering you a night of romance, lovely lady:

Categories: News